Escaflowne the Movie: A Gal in Gaea
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Ever wondered what you'd get if you mixed the Escaflowne Movie with complete random crap? Well, here's the answer: Escaflowne the Movie, a Gal in Gaea! This fic follows the storyline of the movie, except with tons of hilarious happenings along the way!
1. Part 1: Enter Van, the Idiot

Author's Note: Whew, here we go! After doing all 26 episodes of the series, I present the Escaflowne movie, all effed up for your enjoyment (you sick bastards)! It was fun to do, although it did take me quite a bit longer than the episodes, but I hope you find this just as funny and enjoy it as well. Thanks! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, series or movie.

Escaflowne the Movie: A Gal in Gaea

Part 1

The blazing stars shone down on a small, quiet world of blue and green. Not to be confused with our world, Earth, mind you! This is the world of Gaea, where _magical_ things happen! And I know that sounds fruity, but just keep reading, alright? It gets better.

On this strange world, in a pretty valley where a blue sky was peppered with fluffy white clouds, small brown goats bleated and hopped around adorably on the craggy edges (and _off_ them, too, the stupid animals). The surviving goats trod on huge dragon bones where they protruded from the stark cliff face, and they weren't very happy about it, either.

"Go away, ya damn goats!" The dragon fossils snarled in irritation. "Gee-_awd_, you're annoyin'!" One goat halted atop the dragon's skull and lifted its leg. "Hey… what're you- no! NOOOOOOOOO!"

A dark and ominous shadow passed overhead as Good Year blimps- scratch that, Good Year blimps spray-painted _black_ flew over the cliffs.

"You're not foolin' anyone, cheapskates!" A goat bleated out at the trundling airships. A sharpshooter onboard picked off the stupid animal with his long-range shotgun.

"Stupid effing goat," he mumbled. "Animals aren't supposed to talk…"

Above all this, an enormous, yet oddly faded moon hung in the clear sky, with smaller companion moon which had a large eye-shaped crater on its surface. Don't worry about this too much, though, we'll be gettin' to that later.

"Dropping in altitude, sir," the Second-in-Command reported on-deck the first blimp. "The engine is operating normally. …Sir?" He turned to see why his Commander wasn't responding and found the man doubled over, hurling noisily into a small brown barf-bag.

"I…_hate_ flying," the Commander groaned, taking deep breaths and clutching the bag. He took a step toward the other soldier, ready to issue orders, and instead issued more vomit – all over the Second's chest.

"So do I, sir," the Second sadly agreed, staring at his ruined shirt in dismay. The Commander stepped past him and squinted his eyes at the jiggling dials and gauges, once again wishing he knew what the hell they meant.

"Is the load too heavy?" He asked after a moment.

"No, sir," the Second-in-Command answered pleasantly. "I believe the ship can bear the weight of your _fat ass_ all the way to-"

_Smack_!

"Very funny," the Commander growled. "Don't make me see if you can fly. So…" He looked at the helm and through the window beyond. "You think that armor's the real thing?"

"Well, we _did_ get it out of a 25-cent gumball machine," the Second admitted.

"And I was worth every penny!" A disembodied voice, belonging to the armor in question, muttered. The armor was trussed up tight in pink wrapping paper with a bow and tag that read, "To: Folken, Love: the Commander," and had a red lipstick-kiss-mark on it.

High above the slow-moving blimp, a young boy dressed like a barbarian (with no shirt and animal fur-skirt thing) flew through the sky with great flaps of his enormous white wings. A big group of geese, flying in V formation, tried to follow him.

"Go away!" The boy, who we'll call Van for no apparent reason, growled. "I'm not your damn leader already! Stupid birds!" His wings suddenly disintegrated in a cloud of feathers, leaving him quite flightless. "Oh, CRUD. _Aaaaaaaaaugh_!" He plummeted downward and being falling head-first toward the blimps.

Atop a crow's nest on one of the airships, a lone guard stood at his post, a timer with about ten seconds left on the back of his head. He is _so_ dead. Suddenly an unpleasant-looking goop fell from the sky and hit the guard's head with a splat.

"Wh…what the?" The guard muttered in confusion and touched the top of his head. "The heck was- EWW! Effing _gross_, man! The hell is this shi-"

_Slam_!

Van came crashing down onto the guard just in time to censor the upcoming swear and take out his enemy at the same time. Nice job!

"Whew! Close one!" Van wiped his brow and hopped up from the broken body of the guard (whose counter had indeed hit zero). He looked up at the sky and waved. "Thank you for your assistance in distracting him, my feathered companions!"

"…Dude, that _wasn't_ us," the geese honked in answer. Van went red.

"Oh, uh, look! More people to kill! Bye!" He hurried off before the geese could say any more. As if there _was_ more to say.

Deep inside the blimp, the ancient armor's earthy shell began crumbling, revealing a red crystal that began hissing and steaming with power.

"_Uuurgh_…heartburn again…" the armor grumbled in discomfort. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that Tacorito Supreme…"

Back at the helm, the Commander and his subordinates were gathered in a football huddle, planning their actions out for the big scene ahead.

"Well, men," the Commander sighed, "this is the last scene we're involved in for the whole movie, so let's make it a good one, okay? Just…just do your best, alright? Just do your best, and have a good time. That's what's important!"

"Have a good time?" A soldier repeated in disbelief. "Sir, we're going to get _killed_!"

"_That's_ the spirit, Johnson!" The Commander cheered and patted the man's back.

Van came running through the hall and burst into the room with gusto.

"_Hiiiiiii_-augh!" He tripped mid-yell and landed on his face. The enemy soldiers stared at him awkwardly.

"Talk about an _entrance_!" The Commander stated in awe.

"Oh, please!" The Second scoffed. "He looks like a complete wuss."

"WHAT?!" Van leapt back up, seeing red (mostly because of all the blood gushing from his forehead where he'd hit it). "You take that back!" He drew his sword, and the slaughter began. Soldier after soldier fell, with Van leaping around the room, sword swinging.

"What are you doing?!" The Second roared at the soldiers just standing there like 'tards. "Get in there and _kill_ him!"

"But…" the soldiers protested, "But these swords are brand spankin' new! Lookit that _shine_!" One held up his sword and watched it sparkle beautifully.

"Oooh! _Sparkly_!" The Second cooed in admiration. "NOT! Move you asses!" He kicked the men toward Van, who easily cut them down in a matter of seconds.

"Whoo! Damn right!" Van crowed in triumph. "I'm _so_ much more bad-ass than my pansy series-self!" He accidentally stubbed his toe on a dead body and cried out in pain. "Ow! I got a boo-boo! Someone come over here and kiss it so it feels better!"

"…I'd say he's pretty much the same…" the soldiers muttered. Van barely had time to bring up his sword again and block a strike from a soldier with a 10-foot long sword. Van backed up and narrowed his eyes at the man.

"Balgus?" He asked suspiciously. "Naw, can't be. He's only in the series. Oh, well. Too bad, you die anyway!"

"Says who?" The soldier with the long sword demanded.

"Says whoever made the film," Van said matter-of-factly.

"Oh." The soldier blinked, then dropped down dead.

"_Sweeeet_!" Van sang. "Hmm, we need to make this more dramatic. Steam time!" He kicked a fallen sword into the air, where it hit a pipe, immediately causing steam to gush out. It swirled around Van, who laughed maniacally, then began coughing, then passed out.

"I think that was our CO2 pipeline…" the Second mused, then remembered he had lines to recite. "I mean, impossible! It's one against many!"

"Yes, but…" the Commander said gravely, placing a hand on the man's shoulder. "He's…the _hero_."

"Ya damn _right_ I am!" Van coughed out, staggering back to his feet just in time to hurl a dagger at the Second. It hit the man right in the crotch, and he went down clutching his privates (no pun intended). The Commander stepped forward, and he and Van faced off with the smoke swirling dramatically around them, just as Van had intended.

"So, you're the Dragon we've heard about?" The Commander asked incredulously. "What's up? You look like a normal frickin' human. No wings or claws or anything. _Laaaame_."

"I'll slay all my enemies," Van whispered fiercely. "And anyone who calls me fat. _Or_ ugly."

"You know something?" the Commander mused. "I've always wanted to go all out in slow-mo. It's so cool! So, how 'bout letting me…?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever," Van muttered, not caring what the man did so long as he died at the end of it.

"Thanks." The Commander grinned at him, then began pulling his sword free of its sheath in slow-mo, while yelling a threat. "Yoooooooouuuuu caaaaaaan't beaaaaat-"

Van lost his patience and leapt forward, chopping off the Commander's head cleanly. Psych! What an ass. One surviving soldier tried to run for it, but Van slammed him up against the glass of the window and swung his sword, red liquid spraying everywhere.

"Dude," the soldier said bluntly, holding his ruined bottle of ketchup with fries, "NOT cool." Van glared and killed him, too. He left the helm after writing "Van was here and is awesome and so not lame or fat" on the wall with blood to find the armor. It wasn't very hard, since there were lit up signs on the walls that read: 'Hero's prize this way' with pointing arrows. As Van reached the armor, its pulse began to quicken, throbbing like a heartbeat, and to top it all off, Gregorian monks began singing! _Whoo_!

"Dragon Armor…" Van murmured quietly, staring up at the armor from atop a catwalk, where it was being displayed in a glass case with a sign that read: 'Please don't touch the ancient Draconian Guymelef with a bad temper'. "It's time to rise from your slumber!" Van went on. "I've got some coffee right here! _Mmm_! Folgers, freshly brewed, bitch! Nice n' hot!" He noisily slurped some from a cup, than spat it out in a spray. "BOILING!"

The ancient armor chuckled evilly, enjoying the strange boy's pain. Van angrily threw his cup at it, then raised his arms dramatically.

"Listen to me! Your name is…"

"William Du-Fancy-Pants?" The armor interrupted.

"NO! It's Escaflowne!"

"Oh." The Escaflowne paused. "Damn."

"You are…_my_ armor…" Van paused. "Seriously. I bedazzled my name on your ass and everything."

"WHAT?!!"

-Flashback! Whee!-

Okay, let's leave Van and the Escaflowne's verbal warring and instead focus on the other main character: Hitomi! A flashback of her childhood was occurring, with the world having a strange, grainy gray look like all flashbacks have. In a crowded subway, little-girl Hitomi held her daddy's hand and looked damn adorable. Too bad she was a brat.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Child-Hitomi whined. "Candy! I want _candy_!"

"Shut up already!" Her father snapped. "You're the heroine, and I don't even have a FACE! It's just not fair! _Guuuhh_!" He turned his nonexistent face away and sobbed at the injustice.

"Oh, honey!" Hitomi's mother, who was just as nonexistent, soothed.

"Aww, poor daddy!" Child-Hitomi giggled. "He's not important! Daddy's a loser! Daddy's a loser!" She stopped her singing and stared at her father's wristwatch as the arms on the clock suddenly stopped moving. What was going ON?

"Stupid American piece of crap!" Hitomi's dad snarled. "Now I gotta get a new one!" Above everyone's heads, the subway's large clock did likewise, grinding to a stop for some strange reason. Seriously, what was going ON?

"Stupid American piece of crap!" The subway workers snarled. "Now _we_ gotta get a new one!" Okay, here, lemme spell it out for you guys: TIME STOP!

"Whoa, what's going on?" Little Hitomi wondered as everyone around her froze as time ground to a halt. Suddenly, pretty singing could be heard, filtering through the subway. "…Is that Christina Aguilera?" Hitomi blinked in surprise and gasped as she saw a stranger staring back at her through the crowd. It was a young, attractive person dressed in robes. "What a weird-lookin' hobo!" Hitomi commented.

"I'm _not_ a hobo!" The person barked. "Look, just remember this about ten years from now, will you?"

"Mmm, okay!" Child-Hitomi agreed. Time once again started up, and everyone began moving about. "What a pretty lady!" Hitomi sighed.

"I'm a GUY!!!" The stranger's disembodied voice howled.

-Flashback's Overrrrr!-

High atop the roof of the school, Hitomi Kanzaki, the grown, teenage one that's in this story, lay sleeping in the sun. Mmm! Photosynthesis, _delicious_! Her shoes and a pink card tucked under them sat nearby. A soft breeze ruffled her hair, and a flock of birds flew overhead. So peaceful…so quiet…

_Plop_!

"Hey, you damn birds!" Hitomi roared, sitting bolt upright in fury, "Watch it! You almost hit me, dammit!"

"_Eeeeek_!" Hitomi's friend, Yukari, who'd been sneaking toward her to scare her, was scared herself as Hitomi sat up.

"Gaah! What're you doing up here, Yukari?" Hitomi gasped, surprised to see her friend.

"Bugging _you_, duh," Yukari answered, coming closer to scootch down near Hitomi. Not a good idea with her short-ass sailor skirt uniform thing. "Cutting classes and dozing off again, Hitomi? You're so damn _lazy_, girl!"

"I was dreaming…" Hitomi murmured, running her hand through her short brown hair. "About that pretty lady-"

"Astonishingly masculine symbol of _manliness_!" A disgruntled and equally disembodied voice interrupted.

"-at the station." Hitomi finished, ignoring the voice. "Geez, why am I dreaming this _now_? I would rather the dream about Justin Timberlake whisking me away on a white pony-"

"I bet it's because you're frustrated!" Yukari interjected, thankfully cutting off Hitomi's disturbing fantasy.

"Huh?" Hitomi looked at her in confusion.

"Yeah!" Yukari went on. "You need to get that anger out in a healthy way! Like… join the UFC or… _kill_ someone."

"Oh yeah, _who_?" Hitomi asked dubiously. "I'd never get away with it, anyway." She stood up and wandered over to the railing, where she stared down at the ground as Yukari continued prattling on.

"You're having that dream because you've got too much time on your hands. Why not…"

"Become a trained assassin?" Hitomi asked hopefully.

"…I was _gonna_ say join the track team again, but I like your idea better." Yukari admitted.

"Meh, no thanks." Hitomi shrugged. "I dropped out of the track team because that bitch knee-capped me in the leg with a lead pipe before a race."

"Hey, that was only _one_ time!" Yukari protested.

"I had to wear a cast for six months _and_ get reconstructive surgery!" Hitomi sputtered. "I'm lucky I can still _walk_!"

"…I still don't see your point." Yukari stated.

"Oh, forget it!" Hitomi gave up, exasperated.

"Hmm? What's this?" The pink letter had caught Yukari's eye, and she walked over to it. Hitomi gasped and jumped down from the railing.

"No, wait, stop!" Too late. Yukari had opened the letter and began reading the contents.

"Yukari, my love for you is like…" Yukari paused and frowned, staring at the letter. An awkward silence descended on the rooftop.

"Err, wrong letter." Hitomi coughed, snatched the love-letter away, ripped it up, and gave Yukari another one. After giving her friend a long look, she opened it and began reading the new letter aloud.

"Dear Yukari," Yukari read, "I'm gonna die. You get all my stuff. Peace out! Hitomi." She lowered the letter and raised an eyebrow at Hitomi. "The hell is this?"

"Buh…" Hitomi protested, searching for an answer. "Destiny's Child broke _up_ that week and…"

"That's still not a good enough reason, stupid!" Yukari bopped Hitomi on the head for punishment. The girls squabbled for a little while longer, then departed for the long trip home. They sat on the train, talking idly.

"What's with you?" Yukari inquired jokingly. "You're napping during class lately."

"I can't help it!" Hitomi snapped back. "I feel sleepy all the time. Probably because of all the drunken rave parties I go to until four in the morning."

"…You have _got_ to stop drinking, honey," Yukari said firmly.

"Don't _judge_ me!"

The two girls got off the train and continued the long walk home. They ran along a cobbled pathway next to a gate, giggling like…well, like the schoolgirls they were, and began wrestling with each other playfully.

"Whoo! _Yeah_!" Some horny frat-boys hollered as they watched the two girls romp with one another. "Take her top off! _Whoooo_!"

Hitomi and Yukari shared a look, then shot toward the boys to teach them a lesson in Tai-Kwon-Do. A very _painful_ one. After the beat-down was over, Hitomi and Yukari left the bleeding lumps of meat where they lay and went back to their walk. Just as they took a few steps, a strange, beautiful voice began singing.

"Is that…Evanescence?" Yukari asked dubiously.

"She's…calling…" Hitomi murmured, looking dreamy-eyed. Then she yanked out her phone and punched a button, turning off her Evanescence ring-tone with annoyance. "Dammit, mom! How many times do I have to tell you, I _don't_ have daytime minutes! _Gawd_!"

Later, the girls sat on the steps of a large building as the sun began to set, casting an orange glow over the scene.

"Hitomi, I'm worried about you!" Yukari said suddenly. "You've been acting really strange lately! You haven't…joined a weird cult or online MMORPG, have you? Please tell me you haven't! _Please_!" She grabbed hold of Hitomi by the shoulders and shook her violently.

"Stop that! I'm fine!" Hitomi growled, shoving Yukari off. Her friend eyed her, then stepped back and placed her hands on her hips.

"…Does this skirt make me look fat?" She asked randomly.

"No."

"Thanks!" Yukari smiled.

"Those _shoes_ do." Hitomi answered truthfully. Yukari's eyes filled with tears and she gasped.

"You…you big _meanie_! I'm leaving!" She burst out sobbing and rushed away, leaving Hitomi feeling quite awful.

"I'm a _monster_!" Hitomi wailed, sorry for hurting her one and only friend. "Why am I suddenly being such a hurtful bi-otch? I don't _wanna_ be like Nancy Grace! Help! Someone, help me! Please!" She clasped her hands and gazed imploringly at the heavens.

"You called?" Superman asked, appearing before her in a blur of blue and red spandex. Hitomi gave him a long, disturbed look, then splashed a bucketful of liquid kryptonite on the superhero and left him to stew.

"Not _you_, a-hole!" She muttered under her breath.

"Then how about _me_, hmm?" A man in a dark cloak and cowl asked moodily. Hitomi gave him the same look she'd given the puddle of goo that had once been Superman and grunted.

"You're not much better," she stated. "And what's with the cloak? Who do you think you are, Obi-Wan or a burn victim? Get lost, creep." She turned to leave.

"Wait, girlie!" The cloaked stranger called, forcing her to stop. "Come with me! Just let everything fade away…this whole sad world…and come with me, to Gaea! You will be welcomed there as the Wing Goddess, and together we shall-"

_Psssssssshhhht_!

Hitomi hit him right in the face with a full-force can of pepper-spray.

"I'm not going _anywhere_ with you, freak!" She hollered, whipping the now-empty can at the man's head. "You think I'm _stupid_?!"

"_Aaaaaugh_!" The cloaked stranger howled in agony, rubbing at his eyes in vain, then dissolved into nothingness. Hitomi stared at the blank space where the man had once been.

"What the hell is _in_ this stuff?!" She wondered, snatching up the pepper-spray can and looking at the back to check the contents. Then she looked up and realized that she'd been mysteriously transported to the school's enormous stadium, where she stood on the grass in the middle of it. "Wait…was that guy a motivational speaker or something? Or is there a gas leak somewhere and I'm getting high? Someone _tell_ me!"

Darkness enveloped the stadium, and a cold breeze swept over Hitomi, who shivered. Suddenly a huge image of the earth faded into view before her, making the confused girl even…_confuseder_.

"What the heck's going ON?" She demanded to know. "This can't be real! If it is, then let me…get wet-willied in the ear by…Morgan _Freeman_!" She smiled smugly and crossed her arms in triumph.

"There I was," a familiar aged voice narrated from thin air, "about to give Hitomi Kanzaki a wet-willie in the ear to prove that what she's seeing is real. Of course I had better things to do, but since these jobs are few and far between-"

"Dude, just get OUT here already!" Hitomi barked impatiently, rudely interrupting the elderly African-American actor.

"Alright. Here I go." Morgan Freeman appeared next to her, licked his finger, and was about to put it in Hitomi's ear when she grabbed his hand and glared at him.

"That _won't_ be necessary," Hitomi said firmly. "I believe it now."

"Good for you, girlie," Morgan Freeman patted her on the back. "Never give up hope. Like the penguins of the Arctic, who lives for months at a time-"

"_Leave_!" Hitomi shoved him away and muttered angrily to herself. "Damn, I guess this stuff really _is_ happening! I wish I'd brought my camera." As she thought this, water began gushing up from under her feet and quickly filled the stadium. As the cold water rushed over her head, Hitomi sank down into the inky abyss and disappeared.

-Part 1 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, series or movie.

Author's Note: _Damn_! I started out thinking I'd make one whole fic for the movie – man was _I_ dumb! There's just too much to fit into one chapter, since it would end up being 40+ pages on Microsoft Word and I don't think anyone would want to read that in one sitting. So my solution was to hack the movie into pieces, and here's the first. The next should be up in about a week or so, maybe. I'm in the middle of midterms, so I can't promise anything. Well, hope you enjoyed this so far, and are eager to see the rest! If you liked this, you should definitely check out my Escaflowne Episodes, where I do like here, but with the entire anime series! Review, please! Later!


	2. Part 2: Enter Allen, the Other Idiot

Author's Note: Mmkay, here's the next part. Hope you like it. Later! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, movie or series.

Escaflowne the Movie: A Gal in Gaea

Part 2

In the wonderful world of Gaea, the Messed-up Moon slowly faded into view next to the smaller moon in the blue sky above. Below it, perched on the edge of a craggy cliff, a large tank-like vehicle chugged to itself as it sat waiting for…_something_. Onboard the tank-thing, a commotion was taking place.

"Look! Look!" A fat, ugly mole-like man with glasses and no hair cried out in excitement, pointing up at the sky through the window. "It's the Messed-up Moon! See, I _wasn't_ drunk! My prediction was right all along! Nya-ha!"

"So what? You're drunk _now_!" A random crewmember butted in.

"HEY! I'm _not_ drunk!" The Moleman protested firmly. "I'm _buzzed_. There's a difference! Anyway, it appeared just like I predicted in my drunken haze, so pay up, buster!" He held his hands out greedily, awaiting his prize. Too bad the person he was talking to was an idiot.

"_Man_, I look hot in leather!" Allen gushed, spinning around to show the camera his rockin' ass clad in tight black cowhide. "Tights and Bicardi, that's my kind of party! _Powww_!" He flexed his glutious maximus as the last part, and I _really_ don't want to explain what that is, so let's move on.

"Millerna, _do_ something about him!" Gaddess complained over the speaking-tubes. Too bad the person _he_ was talking to was _also_ an idiot.

"_Whoo_! Check out my hot boo-tay in these short shorts!" Millerna giggled, also twirling around and joining Allen in flexing her ass right in front of the camera.

"Get them away from there!" Some crewmembers hollered, but no-one had the courage to get any closer in fear of catching their stupid.

"_Will you two knock it off_?!" Gaddess roared, finally bringing some order to the chaotic room. "Just say your damn lines, already!"

"Uh…I forgot them." Millerna admitted.

"Me, too!" Allen said, rather proudly. There was a short pause. "Let's _make out_!"

"'Kay!" Millerna threw herself into Allen's arms and I don't care, I am NOT saying what happened next.

"Oh sweet Jesus…" Gaddess muttered, glad he was only talking over the tubes and not actually there to witness it. The crewmembers in the control room weren't so lucky, and had to be blinded.

-Back with Hitomi-

Hitomi, meanwhile, was being transported by the reliable Beam o' Light, letting it scoop her up and whisk her away. Suddenly the light flickered out and she found herself submerged in water, in a tight space with no way out. That can't be good.

"The hell _is_ this?!" Hitomi gagged, holding her breath. "Who do they think I am, Houdini?! I'm gonna frickin' _drown_!"

"Calm down, girlie!" The Escaflowne, which Hitomi was trapped _in_, grumbled to her. "I'll let ya out in a minute. Just be patient and y'know, pass out or something."

"Rise, Dragon Armor!" Van cried dramatically, bringing his arms up. "Rise, rise, RIIIIIISE!!!"

"Ow! You don't hafta _yell_, dumbass!" The Escaflowne grouched, ears ringing.

"Oh. Sorry." Van whipped out a megaphone from somewhere on his person (don't wanna know where) and hollered into it. "_RIIIIISE_!" He lowered it and cocked an eyebrow. "That any better?"

"You're so friggin' dead."

Groans filled the inside of the blimp as the ancient armor with an attitude struggled against its constraints, breaking its earthy shell and sending water gushing out from the bottom.

"_Dude_! There's things called diapers nowadays, you know!" Van said with an air of disgust.

"It's NOT pee!" The Escaflowne snarled.

"Oh, well…" Van paused and gave the Escaflowne a long look. "You a chick or something?"

"NO!"

Inside, Hitomi gasped for air as the water filtered out of the small space she was trapped in. _Aiiiir_! Now if she could just get the hell out. The Escaflowne fought some more, finally breaking through fully, freeing its arms, legs, and head. It crashed to the floor of the blimp, where it crouched, winded from its exploits.

"Hey! Lemme out!" Hitomi cried, beating at the soft, fleshy walls surrounding her. No good, no-one was listening. Van, watching his armor, stepped back nervously. Steam was being emitted from the Escaflowne's back, and long translucent threads floated in the air above it, multiplying again and again until a lengthy cloak of red and dark blue appeared, draping over the armor's back.

"Hmm, _I_ woulda gone for a more maroon shaded cloth with an amber trim. And maybe some tassels of some kind-" Van began airily, staring at the cloak appraisingly.

"Shaddup!" The Escaflowne snapped in irritation. "I happen to _like_ red and blue, so it's stayin' that way, got it? Keep complaining and I'll make _you_ the same colors!"

"Don't yell at me!" Van hollered back, close to tears. "You're the one with no fashion sense!"

"No fashion sense?!" The Escaflowne sputtered. "Why, I oughta! You bastard!" He reached a huge hand toward Van, who gulped.

-Back on the Truck-Thing-

"Millerna!" Gaddess called over the speaking-tubes, "it's the Good-Year- er, I mean, the Black Dragon Clan's flying ships! It's coming straight for us!" He paused, but there was no response. "…Millerna? Hello?"

Yup, you guessed it, she and Allen were still makin' out. Gross.

"Will you two stop already?!" Gaddess begged in exasperation.

"Oh, fine!" Allen huffed and dropped Millerna on her ass.

"On my _sweet_ ass! Get it right!" Millerna said poutily.

Shut up.

"Ooh! Ooh! I predicted this, too!" The Mole-man hooted, pointing at the approaching blimp that could be seen through the window. "I wasn't even high! Gimme my money! Gimme!"

"You're high right now!" The same random crewmember pointed out.

"Hey! I am _not_ high!" The Mole-man argued. "I'm _stoned_. There's a difference!"

"Didn't we already have this conversation?" The crewmember wondered, then gave up because it wasn't friggin' worth it.

"Okay, okay!" Allen agreed, shutting the Mole-man up. "But before I give you the cash, do me a little favor. Take a step back, will ya?" The Mole-man frowned, but complied. "Okay, now a little to the right. Aaaaand back a little more. Perfect." Allen held up his hands and smiled. "Okay, now don't move."

"Hey," the Mole-man asked, staring at his feet, "what's this big 'X' here- AWGH!!"

_Whud_!

Gaddess came sliding down on the nearby ladder and used the Mole-man as a landing pad. Good one!

"Ha! You were right!" Gaddess laughed, sitting on the prone body of the Mole-man. "He _does_ make an excellent landing pad! So, anyway, boss. Is it alright if we use the blimp for target practice?"

"Sure, just make sure to hit Van," Allen agreed with disinterest.

"…Don't you mean _not_ to hit him?" Gaddess asked after a moment.

"Oh, uh, of course," Allen said innocently. "Whatever did I say before?"

"Forget it." Gaddess stepped off the Mole-man's body and walked off.

Back on board the approaching blimp, Van and the Escaflowne were having a disagreement.

"You take that back!" The Escaflowne howled, grabbing hold of Van in one of its huge hands. "I do to have fashion sense! Say it! Say it!" He shook Van like a rag-doll, who gurgled in mild discomfort.

"My _orrrrrrgans_!" He gurgled in pain, feeling his insides scream in agony. "Now I know how Hitomi felt like in the series! Er, I mean, no, never, you stupid armor!"

From atop the strange vehicle-thing, a red-haired, annoying cat girl in a yellow dress stood on the edge, staring at the oncoming blimp, worry clouding her eyes.

"Lord Van!" She whimpered. "Lord Van! Lord Van! Lord Van!" She took a deep breath, and immediately everyone in a ten-mile radius shivered expectantly and quickly plugged their ears. "LORD VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

_Bop_!

"Ow! That stupid blimp _hit_ me!" Merle whined, rubbing her forehead. "_Hssst_!" She swiped a claw at the airship, ripping a hole in the balloon…and making it explode into fiery pieces. "Oops."

"Dammit! You ruin _everything_, Merle!" Gaddess complained, lowering the cannon he'd just been about to fire at the blimp. The dying airship puked up a few more fireballs as Van escaped the Escaflowne's clutches and tried to find a way out. Hitomi, still trapped within the ancient armor, was shaken like a present in a box by an over-eager little brat on Christmas Eve. The ship began to fall from the sky, setting a crash coarse with an abandoned town built into a nearby hillside. Luckily, Van was able to get out (by using a small door marked 'Hero's exit from smoldering ruins of airship') before it crashed to the ground, exploding once again.

_Ka-BOOOM_!

"Eeeeeee! Fire, fire!" Van yelped, rolling from the flames sweeping around him. His ass sizzling in the heat, he was barely able to run out of harms way down the hillside before turning around to look for the Escaflowne.

"Eeeeeee! Fire, fire!" The Escaflowne yelped, also rolling down the hill while its cape sizzled in the flames. Van brightened when he saw it emerge from the fiery debris.

"It's alive! It's _aliiiiiive_!" He crowed in triumph. A wrench flew outta nowhere and cracked him upside the head. Dr. Frankenstein shook a fist at him and snarled.

"That's my line! I'll sue your ass, kid!" He flipped Van the bird, then left.

"Well, _that_ was weird," Van muttered. "And it's about to get even _weirder_." Indeed it was, as invisible Gregorian monks in space began singing some kind of chant.

"Put it out, put it out!" The Escaflowne wailed, its cloak frizzling as it ran up to Van.

"Stop, drop, and roll, stupid!" Van hollered up at it.

"Oh, right!"

_Crash_!

"Not on ME!" Van gurgled, crushed beneath the Escaflowne's huge body.

"Well then be more specific next time!" The armor snapped. It rolled around on the ground for a few moments, dousing the flames, then stood up shakily, regaining its composure.

"Oh…finally!" Hitomi gasped, glad she wasn't baking like an oven anymore. "It stopped! Now what?"

"Okay, girlie! Time to get out!" The Escaflowne declared, dropping to all four in front of Van. "Huuuurgh! Aaaauugh! Guuuuh!" It gagged noisily several times.

"What the hell are you trying to do?" Van asked in disgusted curiosity.

"Puke somethin' up, whaddaya _think_?!" The Escaflowne barked. "Huuuurgh! Come on, man! Help me out! Gaaaargh!"

"Hm…" Van thought for a moment. "Rock of Love."

"_HUUUUURGH_!" Immediately the Escaflowne's chestular cavity popped open with a gross squelch, and Hitomi was thrown out onto Van. "Yeah!" The Escaflowne hollered triumphantly. "She came outta _me_! She's like mah bay-bay! I'm so proud! She can walk and talk and _everything_!"

Van and Hitomi were too busy gawking at each other to notice.

"Wow! Thank goodness your blossoming bosom padded the impact!" Van gushed, staring at the strange and pretty girl who'd just fallen onto him. "And- _holyfriggin'crapthat'sahotpairoflegs_!"

_Smack_!

"Get away, pervert!" Hitomi threw herself off of the boy and wished she'd brought another can of mace. Wow, these two are off to a _great_ start! "Who the heck are you, anyway?!" An image of the stranger Hitomi'd met in the subway years earlier surfaced in her mind for an instant. Did these two look alike, somehow? "Nah, she was _much_ prettier," Hitomi decided.

"HE!!" The same disembodied voice interjected.

"You…" Van's eyes widened as a realization came to him. "Are you the Wing Goddess?!" He grabbed hold of Hitomi's shoulders and stared at her intensely. Hitomi remembered the cloaked stranger at the stadium calling her that, but didn't really want to confirm it.

"I…don't recall," she lied. I mean, who the hell _was_ this "Wing Goddess"? A gambler with a huge amount of debts? A drug dealer? A hooker? What? Better not to say 'yes' until she knew.

"Okay, let's start over," Van sighed. He let go of Hitomi, kneeled before her, and began speaking in a friendly, pleasant tone. "Hi, I'm Van! I'm a descendant of the Dragon Clan! I love walks on the beach and root-beer floats. How about you?" He smiled cheesily and waited for Hitomi to respond.

"Whoa, whoa! Slow down!" Hitomi's head was spinning. "Where the hell _am_ I?" She stared around at the abandoned earthen homes, and the fiery inferno still blazing at the top of the hill. "_Africa_?"

Suddenly, the Escaflowne began glowing green, and it wasn't because he was glow-in-the-dark. Hitomi and Van gasped and looked up at him in confusion.

"Whoops! Time's up, kiddies!" The Escaflowne explained. "House is on and I don't want to miss his temperamental yet lovable antics! Later, douchebags!" The ancient armor seemed to melt away into a green mist, which then swirled away into the sky. Hitomi stared upward and blinked as a strange light began falling toward her. Holding out her hands, Hitomi gasped as she caught a small pink stone, which glowed softly.

"…What's this?" She wondered aloud. "I hate pink…"

"Wait…" Van said quietly, staring at Hitomi. "I get it now! It all makes sense! You're…a _heroine_, aren't you?!" He took a step toward Hitomi, eyes shining. "Ooh, I can't believe my luck! And I bet you're psychic on top of that, right? Jackpot, baby! _Whoo_!" He began dancing like a loon in celebration while Hitomi just stared at him in mesmerized horror.

"_What_?" She asked, dumbfounded.

"That's why you're all confused, and came out of the Escaflowne!" Van explained while doing The Worm. "Now I have a heroine of my own! _Yesss_! We'll make a perfect heroic couple, don't you see?" He halted in his cavortions and drew his sword with a swish, pointing it at Hitomi. "Listen up, toots!" He ordered firmly. "First of all, we're gonna-"

"Hold it, Van!" A voice interfered. Van gasped and whirled around to glare at a leather-clad, long-haired pretty boy approaching the two.

"What? Allen, no! You can't have her, I saw her first!" Van protested, standing in front of Hitomi. "You'll try and steal her away, I know you will! Go get your own heroine!"

"Calm down, Van," Allen soothed, walking closer. "I'm not going to steal- _hotmamasitalookitthemlegs_!" His eyes bulged when he saw Hitomi, and immediately he ran a hand through his hair and smiled dazzlingly. "Hey, baby!" He cooed. "What's happening? Besides…being transported to another planet and all."

"_Ew_." Hitomi shuddered involuntarily, feeling instinctively that this man was a total perv.

"Stay back!" Van warned, raising his sword. "I told you, she's mine!"

"Cool it! You don't have to be so rough on her!" Allen scoffed, then winked at Hitomi and mimed holding a phone to his ear. "Call me!" He mouthed silently. Hitomi responded by miming shooting herself in the head.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Van shot back, incensed.

"Van, be an asshole!" Allen immediately ordered, then waited a few seconds. "Wow! Good job, Van!" He clapped his hands admiringly.

"That's IT!" Van roared, throwing himself at the pretty-boy. The two began an all out brawl of pure manliness…by slapping at each other and pulling their hair.

"Ow! Don't aim for the face, you barbarian!" Allen whimpered, taking a step back.

"Your defense is _awful_!" Van retorted, slapping the other side of Allen's face. Hitomi stared at the two idiots, aghast at the stupidity of the situation.

"Am I _really_ seeing this?" She asked herself in amazement.

"Would you like-" Morgan Freeman's narrating voice began.

"NO!" Hitomi quickly stood up, clapping her hands over her ears for protection.

_Smack_!

Allen bitch-slapped Van to the ground, where he clutched his cheek in agony and rolled around. After a few moments of anguish, he got back to his feet and was about to leap at Allen when a dagger shot out of nowhere and hit…

"OW!"

…Hitomi.

"Oh, _bleep_! Sorry!" Gaddess apologized, appearing from a nearby stairway. "I was _gonna_ say, any enemy of the Captain is as good as dead!"

"Yeah, and any _friend_, too!" Reeden chuckled from atop a rooftop.

"Reeden, shut the hell up!!" Gaddess gave him a dangerous glare, and Reeden quickly scuttled away to hide. Millerna rushed down the stairway and shoved Gaddess to the side, where he smashed into a wall.

"What's this?!" She asked in delight, eyes sparkling. "A patient to treat? Hooray!"

"Oh, LORD!" Gaddess gasped in horror, sliding down the wall _sloooowly_. On the rooftop with Reeden was the rest of Allen's crew, a nasty-smelling group of sweaty, manly men with bulging muscles and no shirts. They gawked down at the street below, eyes glued on Hitomi.

"WHOA." One stated. "That is the HOTTEST lesbian I have EVER seen."

"Le- WHAT?!" Hitomi exploded. "Just because I have short hair doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, you _assholes_!"

"Oh…really?" The crew responded. There was a short silence. "Whoo! Mama-sita! _Whistle_!"

"Okay, never-mind!" Hitomi hollered up at them. "I changed my mind! I _am_ a lesbian! I love…boobies!" She contemplated taking the knife out of her leg and using it on the horny men.

"That's right!" The gross Mole-man popped outta nowhere and began accosting Allen's crew. "She's the legendary Wing Goddess, sent from the Messed-up Moon! She'll help Gaea get better again! She's like Alka Seltzer for the planet! All praise her!" He folded his hands and bowed toward the confused girl.

"I think he's drunk AND high…" Reeden muttered, inching away from the smelly, obese man.

"Please, let me treat her!" Millerna begged, straining to reach Hitomi. Allen kept a firm hold of her long ponytail and held her at bay.

"That _isn't_ necessary, honey!" He persuaded. "She's just fine! Down, Bessie!"

"Okay, I get it! Geez!" Millerna smacked his hand off her hair and sauntered up to Hitomi, giving her a long look up and down. "Well," she sniffed, "my boobs are _still_ bigger! Right, Van?"

"Back off, whore!" Van spat. He reached over, yanked the small knife out of Hitomi's leg ("Ow!"), and hurled it back to Gaddess, who caught it expertly.

"Hah! Good one!" The Second-in-Command complimented, sheathing his weapon.

"Lord _Vaaaaaan_!" A familiar and _extremely_ annoying voice called. Merle came sprinting down the steps, heading for Van.

"I was aiming for HER!" Van growled sulkily.

"Oh." Gaddess blinked.

"Don't pick on Lord Van!" Merle hissed, stopping next to Gaddess long enough to kick him in the nuts before rushing to her master's side. Gaddess howled in pain and went down in a heap, but no-one seemed to notice _or_ care. "You okay, Lord Van?" Merle asked, crouching next to him. She glared at Allen and the rest of the crew. "You bastards! Makin' Van do all the hard work for your lazy asses! Just wait, one day I'll kill you all in your _sleep_!"

"That girl's got issues." Allen muttered, then turned his attention to Hitomi. Everyone present stared at her, and she began to feel a little self-conscious.

"…What? Do I have something on my face?" She wondered.

"Oh, hot Wing Goddess!" Allen declared loudly, stepping closer to her. "Don't worry your pretty little head. We welcome you and hope to get in your pants-" Gaddess gave him a smack. "-I mean, make you comfortable. Come and rest a while in our loveship-" Millerna gave him a smack. "I mean, truck-thing. Please!"

Hitomi stared at the strangers surrounding her. She stared up at the strange sky with the strange moons. Then she stared at the strange village and strange surroundings. And gave up.

"Mmkay, I've had about all I can take," she informed the crew. "Nighty-night!" And she fell over backwards in a faint. No-one even attempted to catch her.

_Thud_!

-Okay, 'nother Flashbaaaack!-

The castle was on fire. No, not in a party term, it was _literally_ on fire, as in flames dancing along the walls and eatin' up the wood. That kinda stuff. Dead bodies lay sprawled over the floors, and a young man in armor faced off against an elderly king in the burning throne room.

"Listen, Folken," the King said wearily. "I don't care HOW big of a tantrum you'll throw, you're NOT getting a Playstation 3! They're six HUNDRED freakin' bucks! I just CAN'T afford it!"

"Well then…" Folken hissed, raising his bloodied sword. "You die, too…"

"Would you prefer silver of black?" The King asked pleasantly. Too late! Flashback's over!

-End of Flashback-

In a large, dark and creepy room, a beautiful woman in a dress was singin' a song. Let's call her Sora for no apparent reason other than we feel like it. Huge windows glowed on either side of her, and underneath Sora was a dragon fossil embedded in the floor. It was bored, so it decided to make a commotion.

"You should try out for American Idol, toots!" It commented as she kept singing. "…And I can see up your skirt."

_Stomp_!

"Yeowch!"

Sora ground her heel into the dragon fossil's face before looking over her shoulder at the figure in the corner. A man was crouched there, wrapped in a cowl and looking like a hobo. Why, it was Folken, the very man from the flashback and the one who'd tried to coerce Hitomi and got maced in the process! He blinked and looked up sleepily.

"So…" he began, "has the Wing Goddess descended?"

"Gee, lemme check." Sora didn't move for a few seconds. "Yup, she has. What do you _think_? This scene wouldn't be relevant otherwise."

"Don't get your panties in a twist, girlie!" Folken snapped. "If she's descended…then why isn't she _here_?"

"Because she's descended," Sora explained in a patient voice, "to another loser- er, Dragon."

"Another Dragon? _Who_?" Folken growled, scowling. "Barney? Puff the Magic Dragon?"

"Your _brother_, Van, Lord Folken," Sora corrected.

"He's no Dragon!" Folken scoffed. "He's just a wimp! He's like a…like a lizard…or something. Like a gekko…" He slowly stood up, then whipped off his cloak with a "Whoo!" and flung it at Sora, who smacked it away in disgust.

"Quit it!" She snapped. "Listen, I can't find the Dragon Armor's vibrations."

"Hmm…" Folken thought a minute. "Maybe the Wing Goddess put it on 'ring'. Oh, snap! Oh, snap!" He chuckled to himself at his joke while the woman stared at him blankly. "What, nothing? Not even a titter? Tough fortress." He sighed deeply, then walked from his corner till he was in front of Sora, where he stopped.

"The Dragon Armor will destroy all of Gaea," she said sadly, "not to mention insult everyone along the way."

"Why d'ya think I _want_ it?" Folken pointed out. "Total annihilation PLUS humiliation. It's the perfect weapon."

"Oh, fine." Sora sighed and gave up. She gave Folken a long look. "Nice mullet," she commented.

"Thanks," Folken said smugly. "I just got the top feathered. By the way, you know any songs by Beyonce?"

-Elsewhere on Gaea-

Elsewhere on the world of Gaea, more Good-Year Blimps spray-painted black trundled along in the sky over a horrific battlefield. They fired cannons at a city, destroying it with ease. Dead soldiers of the land lay everywhere as mounted Black Dragon Clan (Folken's posse) troops rode around, killing more survivors.

"General!" A B.D.C. (that's what I'm calling them from now on, too long to say, and no, that's _not_ the abc's you see up there) soldier ran up a hill to where a General in a funny-ass pointy helmet stood waiting. The soldier ground to a halt and blinked. "Whoa! Uh, sorry, I'm looking for the General, not Gandalf the Grey- _GWAAAGH_!" The soldier was stabbed mercilessly, then beheaded.

"All who disrespect the hat must die!" The General with the funny helmet hissed. "Burn the city to the ground!!"

"Yes, sir!" The surrounding troops cried and saluted. "We all love your hat very much, sir!"

On a nearby cliff, overlooking the carnage, a beast-man with long, pretty hair and B.D.C. armor stood watching.

"Hmm…how barbaric!" He grumbled to himself, holding the reins of his horse. Below him were the scorched remains of a small village, courtesy of the B.D.C. "Not only do they _neuter_ the enemy by burning the villages," the dog-man went on, "but they put all the innocents _to sleep_ as well! How sad…" His eyes narrowed as he noticed something white down in the burned valley. "Are those…_bones_ down there? Oh, _jackpot_!" He yipped like a happy puppy and began rushing around the cliff, looking for a way down.

"Why am I _always_ stuck with the idiots?" His horse wondered dismally. "Let's hope something cool happens in the next part. See ya!"

-Part 2 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, movie or series.

Author's Note: Ha! That was fun. I love making fun of Allen, there's nothing else in the world like it. The next part will be coming in a week or so, I'll see what I can do. Thanks for reading! Review, please! Bye!


	3. Part 3: Enter Dilly, the Crazy Idiot

Author's Note: Yay. Here's the next one. Enjoy. I'm planning on doing a total of five parts in all, so the last one might be a bit longer than the others to finish it up. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, movie or series.

Escaflowne the Movie: A Gal in Gaea

Part 3

Hitomi slowly opened her eyes, awaking from a deep sleep. Squinting in the darkness, she gazed groggily around at her surroundings. She was in a bed, tucked into the corner of a small, dark room that was quite unfamiliar. She stiffened suddenly as something moved near the door.

"Finally, you're awake!" Millerna tittered, stepping out of the shadows.

"_Ieeeeeeeraaaape_!" Hitomi shrieked, whipping her pillow at the intruder's head. It hit Millerna's face with a solid _whump_, and she fell over backwards onto her sweet ass.

"At least you got it _right_ this time!" She huffed, rubbing her red face. "Now, what's up with you? It's just me!"

"I know," Hitomi explained calmly. "That's why I screamed and threw my pillow."

"Dumb whore!" Millerna chucked the pillow back at Hitomi, who caught it easily. "I was hoping that you'd _die_ on us!" She stomped across the room and smacked the window open, lighting up the small interior.

"Hssss!" Hitomi hissed loudly, pulling away from the open window. "The light, it _burns_ ussss!"

"Okay, cool it, Gollum," Millerna said firmly. "We need your help, alright?"

"Huh?" Hitomi shifted around on her bed, then looked at her hands. Opening them, she found she was still holding onto the strange pink gem and…someone's phone number. "Who put _that_ there?!" She demanded furiously. She closed her eyes and forced herself to calm down. "This is just a dream…" She murmured, then looked up and caught sight of Millerna. "Scratch that, it's a _nightmare_! All I have to do is go to my happy place and-"

_Slap_!

"Ow!" Hitomi gasped and pain and glared at Millerna. "What was that for?!"

"Meh." Millerna shrugged. "Just felt like it."

"Well, knock it off! Anyway, as I was saying-"

_Slap! Slap! Slap!_

"Will you stop _slapping_ me?!" Hitomi exploded, clutching both cheeks.

"Okay," Millerna agreed, then punched her instead.

"Get away from me, you crazy bitch!!!"

"Still think this is a nightmare?" Millerna asked with a cocky grin.

"No! I believe you now, so no more!" Hitomi whimpered, head aching. Millerna smiled, then faked another punch, making Hitomi cringe away in fear. She grabbed the poor girl by the scruff of the neck and dragged her over toward the window. Hitomi first thought the crazy lady was trying to throw her out the window, and her suspicions were confirmed when Millerna nearly shoved her over the sill. Hitomi clung to the windowsill for dear life, foiling Millerna's plans and making her come up with a viable excuse.

"I was…uh…letting you see the scenery!" She lied casually, stepping away from Hitomi, who breathed a sigh of relief, then looked outside. She was on Allen's funny tank-truck-thing, and they were traveling along a canyon-side road surrounded by green plains and a lovely blue sky overhead. It was all quite pretty.

"Feel better?" Millerna asked after a moment.

"No, actually," Hitomi answered truthfully, turning to look at her. "This just made me remember that I have horrible motion sick- _bleaaaaaargh_!" She doubled over and puked on Millerna's boots.

"Oh, NO!" Millerna cried in dismay, shoving the nauseous girl away from her. "These boots are brand new! And my tights, too! Allen said I looked hot in them! And even hotter _out_ of them," she added under her breath.

"_Really_ didn't need to know that," Hitomi stated, squeezing her eyes shut and she fought to block out the images. Millerna sighed and sat on Hitomi's bed, giving her a long look.

"Sorry, but you have to stay here a while," she said.

"What? Why?" Hitomi asked.

"We need to see if you're the _real_ Wing Goddess," Millerna explained. "And to make sure you don't try nothin' with _my_ man."

"You call _that_ a man?" Hitomi wondered silently, then said aloud, "Believe me, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Oh, _you_!" Millerna giggled, playfully punching Hitomi's shoulder. "You're so silly, acting like your not attracted to the prime specimen of manliness that is Allen!" Hitomi wisely chose to keep silent, simply raising an eyebrow in disbelief. "Come on, girlie!" Millerna coaxed. "Tell me your name!"

Yeah, like Hitomi was gonna tell _this_ nut what her name was?

"Ima," Hitomi responded. "Ima Retard."

"Ima Retard…" Millerna repeated slowly. "I like it! It's got a nice ring to it!"

"…What an idiot…" Hitomi muttered.

"I'm Millerna," Millerna said, standing up, "the ultra-uber-hot-n'-sexy-slave-wench, but you can call me Milly."

"O…kay…" Hitomi didn't really know what to say, but thankfully Millerna went prattling on.

"Our gang is called the Abaharaki," Millerna explained. "We fight the B.D.C. (Black Dragon Clan, Folken's rival gang, remember?). It's very tough to join our group! Not only do you have to pass a written test and eye exam, but you have to run the gauntlet! Luckily, all _I_ had to do was sleep with the leader!" She giggled and winked at Hitomi.

"_Reeeeally_ didn't need to know that, either," Hitomi stated once again.

"So, anyway," Millerna went on, "we read on the back of a cereal box that the Wing Goddess would come to our world, resurrect the Escaflowne, then help save Gaea. Pretty sweet deal, huh? Oh, and then it said you'd sleep with Allen, but I'm pretty sure he scribbled that on after."

"Damn _right_ he did!" Hitomi growled, making a mental note to kick him in the groin next time she saw him.

"Well, with _your_ fat ass, you must be hungry!" Millerna said suddenly.

"What?! Why you…"

"Don't worry," she interrupted. "I'm sure we can whip up a feast for your insatiable appetite! What do you say? Should we call Mcdonalds?"

"Good GOD no!" Hitomi gagged, then calmed down. "I mean, it's okay. Just…could I have a glass of water, please?"

"Oooh, trying to lose a few pounds, huh?" Millerna chuckled. "You could spare a few! Actually, more like a few _dozen_-"

"Will you quit insulting me and just get out of my room?!" Hitomi exploded.

"Alrighty! Bye, Ima!" Millerna opened the door and was immediately tripped by Van, who stuck out her sheathed sword from where he sat next to Hitomi's door, eavesdropping on the conversation.

-Elsewhere on Allen's Tank-Thing-

In a small hallway onboard the trundling vehicle, several crewmembers of the Abaharaki were busy with chores and gossip. Mostly gossip.

"Man, was _I_ drunk last night!" Pyle chortled, lounging against the wall. "I think I even tried to make out with Gaddess!"

"At least it wasn't Allen," Kio pointed out, hefting a barrel onto his broad shoulders.

"Yeah, he might have agreed," Teo (the only _brutha_ of the crew) pointed out, then shuddered involuntarily. "Say, you ever notice how our names rhyme?"

"No."

"Not you, Pyle! I was talking to Kio!"

"Oh. So, anyway, you guys think she's real?" Pyle went on, turning the topic of the discussion onto Hitomi.

"I dunno." Kio shrugged. "She don't have any wings or nothing, but…"

"But she's pretty hot, you gotta admit, huh?" Pyle jeered.

"Uh…" Kio coughed.

"Guh…" Teo cleared his throat.

Hitomi was standing directly in back of Pyle, a murderous look on her face. Pyle didn't notice a thing.

"Fifty bucks I sleep with her!" He laughed aloud, leaning on the railing.

"Fifty bucks I push you over the railing and break your neck!" Hitomi hollered, giving Pyle a vicious shove from behind. He yelped in surprise as he fell, then hit the ground with a crash. He twitched a few times, they lay still. "Anyone else gonna say something about me behind me back?" She asked the other two men dangerously. They quickly shook their heads, eyes wide with fear. "Good." Hitomi brushed past them and skipped down the stairs.

"There's no friggin' way she's the Wing Goddess…" Kio muttered.

As Hitomi wandered around the ship, she passed another group of crewmembers, who immediately began shouting catcalls and whistling suggestively.

"SHUT UP!" Hitomi barked. "Geez, is everyone on this damn truck _horny_?!"

-On the Bridge of the Tank-Thing-

On the bridge of the tank-thing, Allen and Millerna were in the middle of what they liked to call a 'discussion', but we all know it to be called 'make-out session'. Gaddess chucked a wrench at them to get them to stop.

"I'm convinced! That girl…" Millerna stated once she broke away from Allen, "…is _definitely_ a stupid whore!"

"Really? Oh, joy!" Allen clapped his hands with glee. "My favorite kind!"

"Well, she's certainly not from _this_ world," Gaddess sighed, leaning against the window. "Which means the B.D.C. will come to take her. Can you handle that, Allen?"

"Of course I can!" Allen said smugly. "What do you think I am, a wimp?"

"Well…yes." Gaddess admitted.

"You're mistaken," Allen sniffed. "I am _movie_-Allen, a far cry from my wussy, pansy-ass series-self."

"Looks, it's an enemy!" Van couldn't help but cry.

"_Eeeeek_! Where?!" Allen immediately threw up his arms to protect his hair from attack.

"He's exactly the same!" Van snorted, leaning back in his seat. Everyone chuckled.

"Okay, all of you just shut up!" Allen snapped, blushing. "That girlie's _way_ too cute to hand over to those horribly dressed evildoers! I will do everything in my power to keep her safe!" He paused for a moment, then whirled around. "Van! I'm putting _you_ in charge of protecting her!"

"What?!" Van sputtered in outrage. "You're just putting this on me so _your_ ass isn't in any danger!"

"Your point?" Allen asked innocently.

"But…you…"

"Again, your point?" Allen repeated. Van made angry noises and sank back into his seat, cradling his sword in his arms.

"Don't matter," he grumbled. "I think she's a fake, anyway."

"Oh, come _on_!" Allen rolled his eyes. "She's got 'alien heroine' written all over her! Plus, she'll make the Escaflowne appear again, and then you just use your blood for fuel and get all _kickass_! Isn't that what you want?"

"No, it's what _you_ want!"

-Back with Hitomi-

Hitomi, meanwhile, was still wandering around. Within several minutes she was completely lost, but thankfully someone had pasted "Heroine wanders this way" signs with helpful arrows along the walls, and Hitomi, with nothing better to do, followed them. Finally she came to a stop at the stables, where the smell of old, rotting hay and fresh horse manure mixed pleasantly in the air. And by pleasantly, I mean it stank like hell.

"Hello?" Hitomi called, peeking in. "Is anyone in here?" She stepped inside, and immediately a horse leaned out of its stable and gave her hiney a chomp. "_Ieeee_! I was right, everyone on this thing _is_ a horny pervert! Die, pervert-horse!"

"Hey, being mean in _my_ job!" An annoying voice called out. Merle came dashing out from around the corner and stormed up to Hitomi. The two girls stood glaring at each other, and a standoff began.

"Ready?" A deep, masculine voice asked. "FIGHT!" Immediately health bars appeared above Merle and Hitomi's heads, as well as a timer counting down from thirty seconds.

"Yo' momma's so fat," Merle hissed, "she's got more rolls than a _bakery_!"

"Ooh!" The horse audience neighed and laughed as Hitomi's health bar went down a bit.

"…Huh?" Hitomi looked around, confused. "What the heck's going on?"

"Yo' momma's so fat," Merle began again, "that every time she turns around, it's her _birthday_!"

More laughter and neighing from the horses as Hitomi's health bar went down to the halfway point. There were about fifteen seconds left on the timer by now.

"Wait, what?" Hitomi still had no idea what was happening.

"Yo' momma's so fat," Merle growled in a low voice, "that when she went outside in a red dress, everyone yelled, 'Hey, Kool-Aid!'"

Hitomi's mouth fell open as her health went into the red.

"Okay, _that's_ it!!" Hitomi hollered. "Die, cat-bitch!" She pulled back her arm and gave Merle a clobbering she'd never forget. The unfortunate cat-girl's health depleted instantly, and the male voice yelled, "K.O.!!!" Victory music began to play as Hitomi posed and winked at the camera.

-Later-

Hitomi happily slurped on a canteen of water as Merle sat sulking beside her, holding a bag of ice against her newly blackened eye. The two girls were sitting on a pile of hay in the stable, recuperating from the fight.

"Are you the _real_ Wing Goddess?" Merle asked suddenly, cat-ears twitching.

"How should I know?" Hitomi shrugged and wiped her mouth. "I don't have a stamp or license or anything."

"Well, those writers really should give you stuff like that!" Merle huffed. The pile of hay directly next to them suddenly shifted.

"Hmmm? Oooh, I smell girlies!" A creepy, perverted voice cooed. The Mole-man popped out of the hay and grinned at the girls, who stared at him in bewilderment. Hold on. Give 'em a minute.

"_Raaaaaaaaaape_!" Hitomi and Merle screamed together, then gave the Mole-man the beating of a lifetime. After the commotion had died down (and the Mole-man had promised to stay at least ten feet away from either girl, even signing legally-binding contracts), the Mole-man moved what was left of his eyes to gaze at Hitomi in interest.

"My lady," he tittered, "is that the scent of a fine stone?"

"Stone?" Hitomi repeated in confusion.

"Don't tell me you want to get high _again_?!" Merle hissed, baring her claws.

"I mean the pink gem in your pocket!" The Mole-man whimpered, cringing away. "Please don't hurt me!"

Hitomi decided to be nice for once and after pulling the gem out of her pocket, placed it into the Mole-man's outstretched hands. He stared at the glittering stone, glanced at the girls, then bolted for the window as fast as he bulky body could go. Merle was faster, however, and yanked him back in by the back of his coat.

Several minutes later, the Mole-man had converted the boring ol' gem into a sweet-looking piece of bling-bling. Hitomi accepted it graciously.

"Wow, thanks!" Her eyes lit up as she took the necklace and adorned it on her neck. It was so purty! The Mole-man cleared his throat, and she looked up.

"You know," he said, "you can pay me…in _kisses_."

_WHAM_!!!

Both Hitomi and Merle kicked him out the window.

Later, the girls amused themselves by brushing down the horses while chatting.

"Well, now I'll tell ya all about Lord Van, okay?" Merle asked.

"Please don't." Hitomi begged, not really caring about him.

"But I _have_ to!" Merle protested. "It's in the script!"

"Oh, fine…" Hitomi sighed and patted her horse's neck as Merle began.

"When Lord Van was a kid," Merle elaborated, "he chose the short straw, and so was destined to be king. Folken, his older brother, got pissed, and so destroyed their kingdom."

"Talk about a temper tantrum." Hitomi muttered under her breath.

"So Lord Van came here," Merle went on, "and joined up with the Abaharaki. He's destined to fight for as long as he lives…it's…his fate…"

"Hey, look!" Hitomi giggled, ruining the moment. "I braided the horsie's mane!"

"Awww! How _cute_!" Merle cooed, turning around to look.

-With Van-

Van, meanwhile, was standing on the roof of Allen's tank-thing, doing something that some might find mildly disturbing. He was standing on the railing, arms spread wide and letting the cool mountain air ruffle his hair and clothes.

"Oh, Jack!" He whispered. "We're flying! Never let me go!"

"Hey, Van!" Gaddess busted the door down and came clomping out, scaring Van crapless.

"N-_gaahhh_!" He hurriedly snapped his arms down and jumped from his roost. Rounding on Gaddess, he growled while his cheeks burned. "WHAT?!"

"…What the hell were you just doing?" Gaddess asked slowly.

"Nothing!" Van lied. "Tell me what you want, already!"

"Hey, hey! What's going on out here?" Reeden appeared in the doorway and chuckled as he caught sight of the flustered warrior. "Oh, don't tell me you were doin' the Titanic thing again?"

"Shut UP!" Van hissed, shooting him cosmic-radiation glares.

"Maybe you can ask the cutie to play with you and be Jack-"

"_Shutupshutupshutup_!" Van howled, then burst into tears. "I hate you _all_!!" He dashed past the two men and went wailing down the hall.

"He needs help…" Gaddess grunted.

-Even Later-

It was twilight in Gaea. Allen's truck-thing was now trundling down a canyon lit orange with the glow from the sunset. Hitomi and Merle were dozing off in the stable, completely unaware that on the canyon cliff up above was an unspeakable evil…an evil that was called…

"DILLY!" Six young men sang, waving their pom-poms in the air. They were all dressed in B.D.C. armor, and would look totally badass if they hadn't been shaking pom-poms. They were the Dragonslayers, and they answered to one man only: Dilandau.

"Gimme a 'D'!" Gatti cried.

"Gimme an 'I'!" Chesta cried.

"Gimme a 'L'!" Dallet cried.

"Gimme a 'L'!" Guimel cried.

"Gimme a 'Y'!" Miguel cried.

"What's that spell?" The newbie, Ryuon, asked.

"DILLY!!" Once again there were many cheers and hoots. The young cheer- er, I mean, _Dragonslayers_, were lined up at the top of a cliff, overlooking Allen's approaching vehicle. Dilandau, however, had more important things to do, like admire his new and improved movie-self in a small hand-mirror.

"Uh, sir," Gatti coughed, "maybe you should put that down so we can get ready to attack."

"Huh?" Dilandau blinked and lowered his looking-glass. "What?! I can't help it! My new look is friggin' _hot_! I'm so damn _manly_! And this time, I'm 100 percent all man, not 50 percent like in the series! I've got a penis and _everything_! Wanna see?"

"NO!"

"Fine, your loss." Dilandau rolled his eyes and looked back into the canyon. Now the Dragonslayers had all mounted up on their war-horses and watched eagerly as Allen's vehicle came closer and closer. "So, we're supposed to get the Wing Goddess from that hunk of junk?" Dilandau asked. "Chesta, use your psychic powers to find her!"

"Yes, sir!" His subordinate said loyally. Chesta slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out…

A magic eight-ball. You can see where this is going, right?

"Oh, magic eight-ball!" Chesta implored the black orb. "Is the Wing Goddess…in the kitchen?" He gave the ball a shake and waited for the answer that came a moment later. _No_! "Is she…in the engine room?" _Try again later_! "Is she…in the stable?" _Yes, definitely_! "Sir!" Chesta cried aloud in excitement. "I've located her! She's in the stables!"

"My GOD he's good…" Miguel whispered in awe.

"Good job, Chesta!" Dilandau grinned evilly. "Now that we know where she is, all we have to do is kill everyone who ISN'T in the stables, right? Let's go!"

"Hold on a second!" A dog-man, wait, the SAME dog-man as the one in the previous scene, rode forward and confronted Dilandau. "The Abaharaki are strong fighters, don't underestimate them! …Plus, the directors got really pissed last time you killed all the movie extra's. They're hard to find, you know!" The dog-man paused, then leaned over and sniffed Dilandau's ass.

_Thwack_!

Immediately Dilandau gave him a good wallop with a rolled-up newspaper, knocking him clean off his horse.

"Bad dog!" He hissed. "What did I say about doing that, Jajuka?!"

"Uh…don't?" Jajuka guessed.

"That's right. Now roll over." Jajuka obeyed. "Sit. Play dead. Shake." Jajuka did all these tricks, pleasing his master. "Alright, here's a treaty." Dilandau tossed Jajuka a bone treat, then grinned maniacally. "I just checked my watch, and it's the _ass_-kickin' hour! Let's go, men!"

Onboard Allen's tank, Millerna gasped as she looked through the telescope.

"Oh my GOD!" She cried.

"What is it?!" Gaddess asked, fearing the worst.

"Macey's is having a SALE!" Millerna reported. "Half off all shirts and sweaters! I have GOT to go!" Gaddess wasted no time and shoved the ditz out of the way, then looked for himself. A line of mounted warriors was making its way toward the ship, as well as a front line of beast-men.

"You idiot!" He snapped. "It's the B.D.C.! Allen!" He turned to his Captain, awaiting orders.

"_Macey's_?!" Allen gasped in delight. "I _love_ that store!"

"Dear God, what have I done to deserve this?" Gaddess implored the heavens.

The front line of beast-men had closed in, and leapt on the vehicles wheels, detonating barrels of gunpowder and destroying them. In other words, they slashed their tires.

"Ooh! That's _low_, man!" Allen hissed as he held on to Millerna while the tank shook violently. "I once had a pregnant ex-girlfriend do that to me!"

"No you _didn't_!" Gaddess pointed out.

"No I _didn't_!" Allen admitted. "But you _do_ see my point now, right?"

"SHUT UP AND STEER!" Gaddess roared.

Still asleep in the stable, Hitomi's pendant gave off a warning glow. It was as if it was saying: Loser alert! Loser alert!

"Lord Dilandau!" Jajuka cried as he rode next to his master. "Our mission is just to confuse them while we take the girl! Please don't kill anymore of the extra's!"

"Alright, fine!" Dilandau agreed with a pout.

"Good." Jajuka breathed a sigh of relief and nodded.

"Psych!" Dilandau laughed, then drew his sword. "CHARGE!"

"SON of a-" The rest of Jajuka's curse was lost in the clopping of hooves as Dilandau and his men swept forward to attack. The brave crew of the Abaharaki spread out, trying to defend their vehicle.

"Allen is pretty much useless at this point," Gaddess called out to the other men, "so _we_ have to do the grunt work! Kill anyone approaching!"

"Even the pizza-delivery man?" Oruto asked in a shocked voice.

"_Especially_ the pizza-delivery man," Gaddes returned.

The battle began with loud crashes and cries, with the Dragonslayers having an unfair advantage with their horses and armor. Several of the Abaharaki fell, with no losses from the attackers.

Inside the tank-thing, Hitomi and Merle wandered out of the stable, confused.

"The hell's going on?" Hitomi wondered. "Is this piece of crap's engine stalling?"

"_Growwwrr_!" A beast-man leapt from the shadows and snarled at the girls menacingly. Merle, unfazed, hissed right back, and leapt at him with claws drawn. The beast-man easily batted her away and then turned his sights on Hitomi.

"Ohmigosh!" Hitomi gushed, staring wide-eyed at Merle's prone form. "I LOVE you, man! Er, beast-man!" The beast-man promptly grabbed her by the throat and began strangling her. "Gaah! What is this, an abusive relationship?" Hitomi gurgled.

Meanwhile, the battle still raged on outside.

"Dammit!" Gaddess growled grimly (so many '_G's_!). "Those horses give them +15 speed and +10 attack! We'll _never_ be able to hurt them!"

"Don't worry!" Allen declared haughtily from the truck's rooftop. "_I'll_ save you!" He fluidly drew his blade and flipped it expertly in the air, but flubbed it up when he tried to catch it again, sending it spiraling down to the ground where it stabbed into the chest of a Dragonslayer – Miguel's, to be exact. Poor bastard. The first to die in the series, and the first to die in the movie. Let's all have a brief moment of silence for him.

"Yeah!" Allen cried triumphantly. "I _totally_ meant for that to happen!" No-one was listening to him by this time.

Back inside, Van was busy running shrieking down the halls as a rabid beast-man with meat cleavers chased him. Geez, it's like a Halloween slasher movie! And of course, as in all slasher movies, Van tripped several times and was still able to escape. Luckily a cupboard door swung open and knocked the raging beast-man out. Van stood gasping for breath and staring at the unconscious body, then kicked it in the groin before running off down the hall.

He gasped aloud as he found Merle lying on the floor. He ran toward her…and continued right passed her.

"_Hitomiiiii_!" He called out, worry clear in his voice. She was nowhere to be seen.

"Get BACK here, Lord Van!" Merle hissed, raising her head. "Don't you care about me?!"

"Nope!" Van called back matter-of-factly, still searching for Hitomi. "I only care about my heroine! At least _she's_ important!" He grabbed one of the horses in the stable and leaped on, riding out the door.

"High-ho Silver, _awaaaaaay_!" He sang, then cracked his head on the horse's as it reared up, whinnying. He barely managed to stay on as it galloped outside and up a rocky slope, following the beast-man who'd taken Hitomi and was now fleeing another horse.

Back on the battlefield, Dilandau attempted to launch an attack at Allen, but as he drew near the pungent odor of sweaty leather combined with Axe body-spray proved too much for him, and he was forced to back off.

"Damn, what a mess!" Jajuka cursed, looking at the chaos and destruction around him. "I am SO gonna get euthanized for this!" He raised his eyes and used his cool telescopic vision to see the fleeing beast-man with Hitomi, followed closely by Van on his own horse. "…_Man_, that kid needs to wash his hair."

-With Van and the Beast-Man-

Over hardened rocks and bubbling lava beds- wait, bubbling lava beds? What the HELL are these idiots doing riding over OPEN LAVA BEDS? Oh, hell. Never mind. Van was still chasing the beast-man who had Hitomi.

Hitomi suddenly came to and found herself slung over the shoulders of a galloping horse. Looking up, she came face to face with a fierce-looking beast-man.

"Don't move and I won't kill you," it growled threateningly.

"What're _you_ gonna do?" Hitomi scoffed. "Hump my leg?"

"Damn right I will!" The beast-man promised.

"Well, _I'm_ convinced!" Hitomi declared, then became very passive and cooperative. Van pulled up close on his horse, then leapt from the back of the beast and made a grab for Hitomi. Flipping to the ground, he grinned in triumph.

"_Yesss_! Don't worry, Hitomi, you're safe with-" he glanced down and found that he'd grabbed the beast-man by mistake.

"My _hero_!" The beast-man gushed, hands clasped and eyes sparkling.

"Wrong one, retard!" Hitomi hollered as she was carried away by the still-running horse. Van quickly dropped the simpering beast-man and went to save the _right_ person this time.

"You okay?" He asked once he'd stopped the horse and lifted her down.

"No, actually I-"

"Don't care!" Van interrupted. "Hurry, get in front of me!"

"Don't you mean, 'in back of'?" Hitomi corrected.

"Oh, fine, have it your way!" Van huffed, shoving her behind him. He drew his blade as the beast-man ran up and drew its own meat cleavers. Van growled and cried, "Retreat, Nukushi!"

"Dude, my name's Robert!" Robert yelled back.

"Close enough!" Van snorted. "Now leave! Get lost!"

"Such stupidity…" Robert grumbled, eyeing Van curiously. "It must be you, Lord Van! Long time no see!"

"Wha…" Van blinked in surprise, finally recognizing Robert. "Hey, Bobby! What're you doing in a human's battle, you idiot? You're a beast-man…thing…person. Ain't that against the law? I'll sue your ass, man! We'll go to the people's court with Judge Marilyn Milon! That lady is h-o-t!"

"We were _forced_ to!" Robert snarled back.

"So…" Van realized, "the B.D.C. has destroyed your village?"

"Oh, goodness NO." Robert sounded appalled. "They said they'd cast us in the next "I Love New York" if we didn't cooperate."

"That's INHUMAN!" Van cried in horror. "I understand, Robert, but…I still can't hand over Hitomi! Without her, I won't be a real hero! I'm sorry!"

"Fine," Robert replied, taking a step forward. "I'll take her by force!"

_Whiiiz_!

Suddenly a spear whizzed by the beast-man's head, nicking his ear.

"Ow! What the heck was that?" Robert asked in confusion. Another spear came flying out of nowhere and fell clattering to the ground at Robert's feet. "What the…?"

"I guess it's…raining _spears_ or something…" Van guessed. "That…_happens_…"

"No it doesn't!" Hitomi snapped.

"Dammit, YOU do it!" A peevish voice growled. A second later, a spear flew through the air perfectly and struck Robert in the chest, killing him instantly.

"NOOOOOOO!" Van screamed in anguish. "I'm pregnant with your love child!"

"Wrong show, idiot!" Hitomi gave him a bonk on the head.

"Oh. Sorry." Van quieted down and turned to see who'd thrown the spear.

"Whoopsies, he's dead!" Dilandau giggled, kicking away the professional-Olympic-spear-chucker who'd been at his side. He and his men were watching Van from a rise in the volcanic slag. Their horses stomped and blew steam into the cool air. "Doesn't matter," Dilandau went on, "he wasn't important. Didn't even have a name!"

"Yes, he did!" Van snarled. "It was Nukushi!"

"Robert," Hitomi corrected.

"WHATEVER!"

"So, all we need is the girl, right Jajuka?" Dilandau asked, an evil glint in his eye. "So, I can do whatever I like with him? Such as…make him watch "The Real World" with General Adelphos."

"Oh sweet _Jesus_!" Van gasped in horror, eyes going wide and filling with tears.

"Look at him cry!" Dilandau laughed. "What a _wimp_!"

It happened.

Van snapped.

"No-one calls me a wimp…_anymore_!" Van hissed, then used some freakish telekinetic powers to lift both Dilandau and his horse up into the air. They hung there for a few seconds, then the horse exploded into bloody shreds and Dilandau went flying.

"Oh, _bleep_!" Jajuka cursed. "That was SO not humane! Everyone, spread out!" He and the remaining Dragonslayers quickly backed off.

"Wow…" Hitomi stared at Van in awe. "Remind me to never piss you off again, okay?"

"Urgh…head…spinning…" Van gurgled, staggering. It was the most Van had used his brain…EVER. Thunder rumbled through the sky, and rain began to fall as Dilandau giggled creepily from where he lay on the ground among the remains of his horse.

"That's right, you're a hero!" He said between giggles. "I'd forgotten. You're the Dragon I've heard about! Which is total _bullcrap_, because you don't have wings or a tail or anything."

"That's what _I_ said!" The deceased Commander from the first part's ghost said.

"Will you people just shut up about that?" Van grumbled. Dilandau giggled some more, then slowly rose to his feet.

"Some _bleep_'s goin' _down_…" Jajuka whispered, watching the spectacle. Hitomi cowered behind Van as he once again tried to maneuver so she'd be in front.

"Face him like a man, wouldya?" She snapped angrily.

"Fine, bitch!" Van shot back, and got punched in the kidneys from behind.

Dilandau drew his blade and began circling the pair like a vulture.

"Damn rain," he said sadly. "It's ruined my highlights. That makes me depressed."

"Then take some Vaicadin!" Van retorted.

"You killed some of my men today," Dilandau continued, ignoring Van. "That wasn't very nice. But even worse…you _stained_ my coat. That's unforgivable!" A splotch of his horse's blood indeed marred the whiteness of the commander's coat.

"You can see where _his_ priorities are," Van said under his breath.

"Now…it's time to play…" Dilandau sang. "Yes, let's have some fun."

"Dude, you've got Halo 3?" Van asked in excitement.

"No." Dilandau stated blankly. "We're gonna play a game called 'You Die Now'."

"But I don't like that-" Van began, but too late. Dilandau used his own telekinetic powers to lash out of Van, who barely managed to block with his own.

"Is strong with this one, the force is, _hmmm_!" Van said in his Yoda-voice.

"Shut up and attack!" Hitomi hollered, shoving Van forward. The two opponents met, their blades clashing together. Van's won the battle, shattering Dilandau's weaker blade.

"Oooh, _snap_!" Van chortled. "Looks like _I'm_ the man in this relationship!"

That struck a nerve with Dilly.

"You take that BACK!" He hissed, using his powers to grab hold of a shattered piece of his sword and plunge it through Van's chest.

"_Guhhh_!" Van fell to the ground, bleeding. "Take this! Hero's Desperate Last Strike! _Hyaaah_!" With one final shove of his powers, Van sent Dilandau flipping up into the air. Hitomi gasped as the lava flow around them trembled, then broke apart, plunging her into the darkness below.

-End Part 3-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, series or movie.

Author's Note: Whew! This came out longer than normal because I had a little catching up to do. This marks the halfway point for the movie, and since I'm only planning two more chapters, they'll probably be just as longer or maybe longer. Oh, and I had to look up those "Yo' Momma" jokes online, because I didn't really know any. The Kool-Aid one is my favorite. Hope this made you laugh! Bye! Review, please!


	4. Part 4: Gathering of the Idiots

Author's Note: Here's the second to last chapter. …Yeah, that's pretty much all I got to say. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, movie or series.

Escaflowne the Movie: A Gal in Gaea

Part 4

Hitomi plummeted into the darkness below, along with several tons of rubble as the ground around her gave way. As she stared upward, a strange light appeared, flickering into life through the darkness above.

"Gramma?" Hitomi gasped. "Is that you?"

"Nope, even better!" A voice answered. "It's _MEEE_!" Van appeared above her, also falling. His back suddenly bulged, and lovely white wings burst free. "Chirpy chirp!" Van twittered, flapping his wings and bobbing his head…well, like a bird. A very stupid bird, anyway. He began flying between the falling boulders toward Hitomi. "Don't worry," he called as he weaved to and fro, "_I'll_ save y-"

_Crack_!

A stray rock hit his right wing.

"_Awwwgh_! Mayday! Mayday! I'm goin' _dooooown_!" Van wailed, plummeting past Hitomi, wings akimbo.

"Oh, _goodie_." Hitomi sighed. Now she not only had to save herself but the idiot as well. Pulling her arms in so she fell faster, she caught up with Van and latched onto his back, taking a firm grip on his greasy hair.

"Ow!" Van complained, wings finally starting to work again. "What're you doing?"

"Steering," was the answer.

"But…" Van protested, "but you're supposed to lie in my arms while I take you away to some secluded place where we can make sweet love!"

"Who told you _that_?"

"Allen."

_Conk_!

"Allen's an idiot," Hitomi said firmly, "and so are you. Now shut up and let me drive." Immediately a turn signal on Van's left wing lit up, blinking as he banked and began circling toward the ground below. The brake lights also came on as the two landed/crashed at the bottom of the lava bed into a canyon, safe from the rest of the falling debris and whatnot. Rain was still drizzling down, making the air wet and foggy.

"I hope you've enjoyed your flight on the Van Express!" Van said into the ground, where his face was planted, as Hitomi was sitting on his back. "Please leave the airplane through the aforementioned exits and have a nice day!"

"Van, are you okay?" Hitomi asked, finally getting off him. "You're acting even dumber than usual."

"Oh, I'm fine," Van assured her, standing up. "I've just got a three-foot gaping hole in my chest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to faint now." So saying, he fell over backwards, instantly unconscious. His wings faded away a moment later.

"_Eww_. Molting." Hitomi made a face, then prodded Van with the toe of her foot. "Guess I should do something about that wound…" She knelt next to him, placed his head on her lap, then began untying the bow from her sailor uniform to staunch the bleeding.

"You should…" Van whispered weakly, "…use your shirt. It'll give you…more fabric…for the bandage…"

"Well…" Hitomi frowned, but saw his point. "Okay, fine." She began pulling her shirt up over her head.

"And…and your bra, too…"

_Whack_!

"The ribbon's all you're getting, so be grateful!" Hitomi snapped, yanking her shirt back down. She looked up and around for any sign of life. "Heeeeelp! Heeeeelp! Is anyone there? Anyone?"

"Let him die," a gruff voice growled from the shadows. Jajuka stepped forward, holding the dead body of Robert (the beast-man, remember?) in his arms.

"…Anyone else?" Hitomi called again. "Anyone other than the dog-man? No?"

"Hey! Lemme talk!" Jajuka snarled in a hurt tone. "Anyway, you should let him die. That boy's very unhappy. And stupid. If he dies, he'll be at peace."

"Okay, Dr. Kavorkian," Hitomi drawled, "back OFF. Van's not going anywhere. Right, Van?" Van just shifted his head on her lap and mumbled incoherently.

"Mmm…softy…"

"RIGHT, Van?" Hitomi whispered threateningly into his ear. "You die, and I _swear_ I'll kill you! And that's _impossible_!"

"Y…yes, ma'am…" Van replied obediently.

"See?" Hitomi smiled smugly. "Nothing to worry about!" She looked back up to address Jajuka but found the dog-man on all fours, using his powerful hind legs to churn up the earth and bury Robert's body with dirt, who stuck up out of a hole like a dog's bone. "Uh…"

-With the Black Dragon Clan-

Back on the B.D.C. Fortress, Dilandau was in for a serious spanking from bigwig Folken. He knelt before his lord in a large, dark room lit with candles, while a row of unimportant people (other commanders without names or even _faces_) watched.

"Why didn't you follow my orders, Dilandau?" Folken asked, his voice dangerously soft. "I specifically said NO more killing of movie extras. We need them to fill in the empty spaces in the crowds! And it's damn _expensive_! On top of that, no Wing Goddess, either. Do you have anything to say?"

Dilandau cringed, fingering the bandage and smiley-faced sticker on his forehead, thinking of something he could say to appease his angry lord.

"Um…your mullet looks nice," was all he could come up with. "Did you get it feathered again?"

"No, I _didn't_."

"Oh, shi- _gwaaaaagh_!" Dilandau cried out in pain as psychic energy wrapped around him, lifting him bodily into the air and twisting his left hand in front of his hanging body.

"Who was the one who saved you when you roamed the land with wild dogs?" Folken hissed, stepping closer to the struggling boy, an air of menace around him.

"The…the mountain police?" Dilandau answered.

"Oh." Folken paused and scowled. "Yes, well, that's right. So then, who gave you the Dragonslayers, eh? _Who was it?!"_

"I…I got them free after purchasing more than fifty bucks worth of merchandise on Amazon!"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot." Folken mumbled. "Well, you're still getting punished, either way!"

The torture was unbearable. Folken, the most merciless of men, was twisting Dilandau's left arm and…_making him delete all the data on his PS2 memory card_.

"Oh, God no! Please, not the Rachet and Clank data!" Dilandau was close to tears. "It took me _months_ to get enough bolts to buy all the armor and weapons! Not to mention the _skill points_! It was pure hell! Please, no! I'm sorry! I promise I won't do it again!"

"Alright," Folken growled. "You'd better be a good boy from now on."

Dilandau fell to the ground as the psychic hold was loosened. Darth Vader gave a bored sigh and glanced at Folken.

"Can I _go_ now?" He asked, breathing asthmatically through his mask.

"Yes, you've done enough," Folken answered dismissively, waving the Sith lord away. "Thanks."

"Gawd, the things I do to make a few bucks nowadays…" Darth muttered, shambling toward the door, black cape sweeping after him.

Dilandau lay on the ground, whimpering in agony at the thought of all the lost hours and time spent on his precious games. Especially that damned strategy-RPG – he'd spent more than a hundred hours on that sucker, priming his warriors into unstoppable killing machines and customizing the best equipment possible. All _gone_! As he sniveled and sniffed, Folken stepped closer and scowled at him.

"Stop being such a little girlie, Dilandau," he spat in disgust.

"Will you people stop _saying_ that?!" Dilandau exploded, lashing out at his master with his own psychic powers. Folken easily caught the psychic energy, dribbled it a few times, spun around, then lobbed it right back. Dilandau went flying backwards, bleeding from the mouth.

"That was the sickest trick I've ever _seen_!" The other, unimportant commanders whispered in awe.

"You're one of the few on Gaea with Dragon-clan blood in your veins!" Folken said to the prone, bleeding boy. "Even if it's the Hannaford brand and not the premium, expensive kind, it still gives you cool-ass psychic powers. Use them wisely!"

"Mu…mullet…" Dilandau whispered as he paused.

"_Quiet_!" Folken snapped. "Listen, you're a main character, so I'll cut you a break. I'll even give you a new power, one that'll befit your Dragon-clan blood and coincidentally…match your Dragonslayer armor. Whaddaya say?"

"I…want that power…" Dilandau whispered from his bloodied mouth. "And…some tissues, please…"

-In Turoshina-

In the far-away city of Turoshina, a discovery was being made. Deep within a mine, workers used pulleys and chains to dreg up a huge, bulky red Dragon Armor (like the Escaflowne, but a whole lot more evil-lookin') from a watery grotto.

"Hmm! Just as Lord Folken predicted!" The manager of the site commented. "This thing MUST be important, it's got 'Dilly' bedazzled on its ass!"

"_What_?!" The armor roared in fury, twisting against the ropes binding it in an attempt to see if it was true. "I'm gonna _kill_ that bastard!"

-With Allen and the Crew-

Still way back in the canyon where it'd crashed, Allen's tank thing, and not to mention Allen's _crew_, were stuck. Luckily some repair-men and mechanics were on site, fixing up the busted wheels and pride of the ship and its occupants. In the control room, Allen, Millerna, and Gaddess were conferring.

"Thank goodness I'm a member of Triple A!" Allen gushed excitedly. "Free roadside assistance _and_ towing! You just _can't_ go wrong!" He held up his Triple A membership card and grinned cheesily at the camera. Gaddess gave him a smack on the back of the head, and the trio got back down to business.

"So, we still don't know where hotty-Hitomi is?" Allen asked sadly.

"No," Gaddess answered, "and what about Van?"

"What _about_ him?" Allen snorted loudly, rolling his eyes. "Why isn't that little bastard here to get me my coffee, eh? Lazy-ass son of a-"

"He left to save _Hitomi_!" Gaddess interrupted.

"Oh, really?" Allen made a face. "That lucky a-hole! He always gets the girl! I wish _I_ was a hero!" He stuck out his lower lip and began to pout.

"Come on, baby!" Millerna cooed, patting his shoulder. "You got ME!"

"No, mostly I get a _rash_ from you," Allen corrected sulkily.

"Don't worry," Millerna leaned forward. Allen began to perk up. "I'm sure those two are _bleep_ing like _rabbits_!"

"It's not _faaaaaaair_!" Allen wailed in despair.

-With Hitomi-

Meanwhile, Hitomi and Van had found refuge in the peaceful village of Adom, where Van had been raised after his traumatic childhood, what with his evil brother killing the whole family or whatever. All the villagers were beast-men, bustling about, dressed in colorful robes. There were rustling trees, chirping birds, thatched huts, PS2's- wait, _PS2's_?!! The beast-men of Adom quickly snatched the console up and stashed it somewhere, turning to smile innocently at the camera. I'm _on_ to you guys…

In one of the humble huts, Hitomi sat before a small table while a dwarf-sized old beast-lady crouched beside her.

"How was the meal, dearie?" The elderly beast-lady asked sweetly.

"Well, it gave me the _bleep_s," Hitomi stated bluntly, "but it was yummy goin' down!" She paused. "Uh…you SURE you don't have any other clothes for me?"

Hitomi was wearing a sexy French-maid outfit the old lady had given her, since her other clothes were dirty and being washed.

"Yes, I'm sure," the old beast-lady assured her, then whipped out a camera and began snapping pictures. "Come on, girlie! Can't you pose or something? Stick out your fanny!"

"Um, could I see Van?" Hitomi asked, changing the subject. The old beast-lady paused in her photo-shoot, thinking.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, "but he's still asleep, and it wouldn't be wise to disturb him!"

"Buh…but…" Hitomi protested, doing her best Bambi-eyes impression. "_Pwease_?"

"Awww! How can I say no to that face?" The old beast-lady cooed and put her camera away. "Alright! Come along!"

"Heh heh heh…" Hitomi chuckled to herself, fingering the permanent marker in her pocket. Van was _so_ in for it…

In the Healin' Hut, Van slept peacefully on the floor, chest swathed in bandages and animal-men surrounding him, as well as an ancient-looking wise-man. Er, wise-beast-man…person. Let's just call him Elder for short. Hitomi poked her head in through the door, and the beast-men looked up in surprise at the strange girl. A low whistle came from the crowd.

"Nice fishnet stockings, honey," someone commented.

"Shut up!" Hitomi snapped before she could stop herself. "I mean, can I please come in?"

"Yes, you may," the Elder said, gesturing.

"Sit near me!" A beast-man called out.

"No, me!"

"No, sit near me!"

"I'm sitting near VAN!" Hitomi growled, doing so. She stared at him, wondering how he could look so stupid even in his sleep. Then again, he _was_ drooling and sucking his thumb at the same time.

"There is no need to worry about him now," the Elder consoled her. "Look how peaceful he is!"

Suddenly Van began screaming horribly and thrashing around like a rabid animal.

"What the hell's wrong with him?!" Hitomi gasped.

"Oh, that's perfectly normal," the Elder assured her. "It's a good sign! Means he's _healing_!"

Van calmed down after a few minutes, and Hitomi shuffled closer to him.

"Van…" She said softly, then pulled out her permanent marker and began doodling on his face, writing things like 'loser' and 'pansy' on his cheeks.

"Hey!" The beast-men protested. Hitomi blinked and looked at them. "…Let _us_ try!"

After several days of 'healing', Van had recovered enough to get up and walk around. The people of Adom village gathered before the Healin' Hut, anxiously awaiting their dear friend's emergence. Hitomi stood among them, still in her French-maid uniform. She was beginning to suspect her old clothes had been burned.

"Lord Van is coming out!" A villager gasped, and everyone cheered as the Healin' Hut's front door opened and Van emerged, hobbling out with the aid of a wooden crutch.

"Whooooo-_weeeeee_!" Van whooped, swaying to and fro precariously. "I am _bleep_ed UP!" Obviously he'd taken too many meds for the pain he was in, and was totally _bleep_ed up, as he'd just said. "Take this, Dilandau! Die!" The dazed and confused boy began smacking random people with his crutch whilst hollering other expletives. Hitomi sighed deeply and smacked her forehead.

Later, once Van had sobered up, he and Hitomi took a little walk to the nearby woods where they could have a nice talk.

"…and then in the second grade," Van was saying, "I got into a fight with this little bastard named-"

"Van," Hitomi interrupted. "When I said 'tell me about yourself', I didn't mean ALL of it!"

"Oh. Sorry." Van blinked. "Well, to sum it all up, my dumb big brother Folken destroyed the whole kingdom, killed mom and dad, and stole my girlfriend. He's an a-hole, and I hate him. There you go."

"Why'd he do it?" Hitomi asked curiously.

"In my country," Van explained, "you choose from a pile of straws, and the one who picks the short straw is named King. My natural dumb luck made me pick the short straw, and Folken got really pissed."

"Oh." Hitomi paused. "I thought you peed in his bed or something."

"Well, that too…" Van admitted. Hitomi stared wistfully in the blue sky above.

"I had lost my way in life," she said softly. "being all depressed and whatnot. I had no real direction…I know how you feel, Van, and…and I want to help you…Van I, I think I lo-" She turned to look at him and she found him staring at his feet and humming a tune.

"_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge_- huh?" He stopped and looked up at Hitomi. "You say something?"

"Yeah. You're an idiot." Hitomi closed her eyes and turned to leave.

"By the way, where'd you get that hot dress?"

_Slap_!

-In Turoshina-

In the bustling city of Turoshina, everything was perfectly normal. People crowded the streets, sellers hawked their wares, families laughed together, all that good normal everyday crap.

"Doodily doo dee doo!" A man whistled innocently to himself as he skipped along the road. "Nothin' bad can happen today!"

"Ear your peas," an exasperated mother threatened, "or…or the B.D.C. will come and take over the town!"

"Aww, _mom_!" The little boy made a face and pushed the green orbs around on his plate. Suddenly, the room darkened, and as the mother looked out the window, saw that the sky was dotted with blimp after blimp of the B.D.C., coming to assault the city!

"Look what you did, you little brat!" The mother shrieked, running after her child to give him a sound spanking.

"I didn't _mean_ it!" The poor kid wailed.

From the bottom of the spray-painted New Year blimps, huge metal crates were dropped. They plummeted down to the city, where they landed with a crash. Slowly, the doors to the crates opened to reveal…

A bunch of dead B.D.C. soldiers, killed by the impact.

"Hmm…not one of our better ideas…" A B.D.C. Commander on board a blimp muttered, rubbing his chin. "Time for Plan B. Ready the giant slingshots!"

"Aye, sir!"

"I _never_ shoulda joined the military…" A soldier lamented as he was strapped into place. After several botched attempts to fling the soldiers down onto the city, the B.D.C. finally gave up on an aerial assault and simply LANDED their ships like normal human beings and marched into the city, taking it over. 'Bout time, _morons_…. Anyway, soon afterward, a huge diamond-shaped fortress hovered into place over the besieged city, its license plate, which read "Mullet", making it clear to whom it belonged. From each corner of the fortress shot a long chain, which smashed into the town, acting as anchors to hold the vehicle in place. Couldn't he have just put it in park?

"Oh, man!" A city official complained, looking at the damage the fortress had caused. "You know, you could have just used the Enemy Fortress Parking Garage right over THERE!" He pointed to a huge parking space to the right of the city.

"Oopsies," Folken said, then shrugged and laughed maniacally. _Damn_, that man is evil.

-Back at Adom Village-

Back at the beast-man village of Adom, Hitomi and Van were finally ready to leave. Hitomi, after some coercing and threatening of physical harm, had managed to get her old clothes back, and had cast away her slutty maid outfit in exchange for them (much to the disappointment of Van and the entire male population of the village). She and Van sat on a horse, ready to leave, with the villagers gathered behind them and Ruhm, Van's close beast-man friend, at their side.

"Take care, Ruhm," Van said sincerely. The friendly beast-man smiled.

"You don't have to worry, Lord Van," he replied. "I woulda let you kids borrow my _wagon_, but-"

"NO!" Both Hitomi and Van cried in horror. Ruhm blinked and shut his mouth.

"Er, we mean, that's _really_ not necessary!" Hitomi explained quickly.

"Eh, well, your loss." Ruhm shrugged his furry shoulders. "The script says for you guys to head to Turoshina, okay? I'm sure something important will happen once you get there."

"Alright." Van nodded.

"Are you sure you don't want the dress, dearie?" The old beast-lady asked Hitomi.

"Positive," she answered firmly. Several little girls broke from the crowd and gathered around the horse.

"Hitomi! Come back and sing with us again!" One begged.

"Tell Merle she's still stupid!" Another cried.

"Byeee!" The last one waved.

"Shut up, you little brats!" Hitomi hollered at them, but you could tell she didn't mean it.

"Screw y'all!" Van cried, yanking on the reins of the horse to make it rear up dramatically and gallop off.

"Why those ungrateful little…" the Elder grumbled, then glanced at the old beast-lady. "Hey, toots, why don't _you_ try that outfit on, eh?"

-In Turoshina-

Sneaking into Turoshina wasn't as hard as Hitomi and Van first thought it would be. Luckily, all the guards were idiots, easily distracted and nearly blind with their huge helmets. The two hummed the Mission Impossible theme music as they snuck in, dashing past the dim-witted guards with ease.

"Okay, if anyone sees us, flash 'em while _I_ run for it!" Van whispered to Hitomi as they crouched in a hiding place.

_Whack_!

"Ouch! I was kidding! Kidding!" After a few hours of sneaking around, they finally made it to the bar.

"Dryden?" Hitomi asked as they stepped into the dark, smoky interior of the building.

"Yeah," Van answered. "He's a rich son of a bitch, and he gives the Abaharaki cash because he's got a thing for that whore Millerna. And by 'thing', I mean crabs. Anyway, this is his bar, and we're gonna go see him to find out where the gang is." He and Hitomi wandered among the tables, which were crowded with loud people holding drinks and food. At one table they passed, a dolphin-man sat conversing with a friend. Hitomi halted in front of him, mouth agape.

"Not YOU again!" She cried in horror, then ran shrieking away after Van.

"What the hell was _that_ about?" The dolphin-man wondered. "Oh, well. I'm sure the readers of the series got it."

Hitomi hurried after Van and ground to a stop again upon catching sight of the stage. There, a sexy cat-woman sang a sultry song, swaying to the beat.

"What the hell kind of place IS this?" She demanded, glaring at Van.

"Here's a table," he said, ignoring her.

"Is this a strip joint or something?" Hitomi asked suspiciously, refusing to sit down.

"Goodness, NO!" Van assured her, looking appalled. "If this was, you think I'd be sitting so far away? Just take a seat already." Hitomi didn't hit him because he actually had a point, and so sat down. On the stage, the cat-woman had magically split into two girls, both now singing and dancing seductively.

"…This is making me uncomfortable." Hitomi said after a moment.

"Oh, get over it," Van grumbled. "I know the song they're singing, anyway. My momma used to sing it to me when I was young."

"Not like _that_, I hope," Hitomi couldn't help but add after another glance at the singers. Finally the cat-woman finished their ditty, and the lights on the stage faded as the crowd applauded the performance.

"Show us your boobs!" Several drunk men shouted. Immediately the cat-sisters hissed, baring fangs and claws, and leapt into the audience, shrieking whirlwinds of pain and ouchiness. Hitomi laughed heartily at the sight.

"Hey, cutie, you lookin' for a job here?" A long-haired hippie-man in loose robes sauntered up to Van and Hitomi's table, eyeing the latter. He gave her a wink, and Hitomi glared right back, meeting his eyes.

"_Bleep_ OFF." Hitomi said, deliberately and firmly.

"We'd like to meet Dryden," Van said apologetically, kicking Hitomi under the table.

"Him?" The hippie snorted and adjusted his dark glasses. "That man-whore is probably with his harem of love-birds as we speak. You'll _never_ get to speak to him!"

"You're him, aren't you?" Hitomi asked after a short pause.

"Yes, I am." Dryden sighed. "I'm so lonely. Please hold me."

"NO!"

"How did you know?" Van asked.

"_Duh_! Look at him!" Hitomi rolled her eyes. "His clothes, hair, face! It's obvious he's either a minor or main character! And since 'Dryden' is the last one to be revealed…"

"Wow…" Van smiled at her, then froze as a cold chill traveled down his spine. Immediately he ducked down, causing Merle to go flying passed into an unoccupied table behind him.

_Crash_!

"Whew! Close one!" Van gave a sigh of relief and wiped his brow. Then a dagger with a rose on it shot down out of thin air and stabbed deep into his hand. "_Gaaaaah_!" Hitomi looked up as he writhed in agony and saw the entire Abaharaki crew on the second floor of the pub, waving and holding drinks.

"_Whooooo_! Paaah-tay!" Reeden, smashed beyond all barriers, tottered over with a bottle of booze and uncorked it, spraying everyone with alcohol. Some were quite pleased, but not Allen.

"These leather pants are brand new," he hissed, glaring dangerously at Reeden. "And I _just_ washed my hair."

"…Oh, _bleep_…" Reeden whimpered, then turned and ran, Allen hot on his heels.

-Later, at Dryden's Crib-

"Hey there, everyone," Dryden said to the camera, flashing a peace sign and grinning. "This here is mah crib, so why don't you come along with me while I show you the place. Now, this is my multi-_million_ dollar recording studio-" He and the camera entered a small, cramped space where a Fisher-Price baby's keyboard and microphone set lay on the floor. "Uh…we're getting it renovated," Dryden coughed, quickly pushing the camera out of the room and back into the hall. "Now, MTV, let me show you my stylin' bathroom! I got a hot-tub AND a Jacuzzi, come and see!"

The door opened, and inside, Kio sat in the small tub, taking a bubble-bath with some rubber duckies.

"How the hell did _you_ get in here?!" Dryden demanded. Kio looked up and shrugged.

"Door was open."

"Okay, forget it!" Dryden slammed the door shut and turned to the camera again. "Let's go check out my bangin' kitchen, because there I got-"

"Dryden? Excuse me, but…" Hitomi interrupted, "…what the _bleep_ are you _doing_?"

"Wha...n-nothing…" Dryden muttered. "You can turn the camera off, Milly."

"Aww!" Millerna lowered the camera and pouted. "You said we'd have some fun with it later!"

"_What_?" Allen growled, eyes narrowing. "If anyone's going to make a sex-tape here, I should at _least_ be in it!"

"EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hitomi hollered. Everyone quickly quieted down and moved into Dryden's parlor, where the conference began.

"Alrighty, listen up," Dryden said aloud, "the B.D.C. has an ancient armor (like the Escaflowne) of their own now, and if they can get it to work, we're _screwed_."

"Why don't we just go and, y'know…" Allen said slowly, "…pee in the exhaust or something?"

"If they _do_ get it to work," Gaddess said right over Allen, "Turoshina will be wiped out."

"AND Macey's!" Allen gasped in horror. "Check out these new high-heeled boots I just got from there! They're hot, right? They make my legs look _longer_!"

"Okay, seriously," Dryden said bluntly, "someone shut him UP."

"I know!" Millerna cried. "Let's ask the Wing Whore- I mean, the Wing Goddess!" Everyone in the room stared at her in complete awe.

"That has got to be the _smartest_ thing you've said in the whole damn movie," Allen stated matter-of-factly.

"_Thanks_!" Milly simpered.

"Oh, fine," Hitomi rolled her eyes and sat in a chair in the middle of the room. Immediately Millerna grabbed hold of a lamp and shoved in into Hitomi's face, blinding her with the bright light.

"Where were you on the day of _today_?!" She demanded to know. "Don't play games with me, missy!" Then she slapped her.

"_Millerna_!" Allen hollered, making her stop and look at him. "You have to ask her a _question_ first!"

"Oh." Millerna blushed and turned back to Hitomi. "What color are my underpants?!" She slapped Hitomi again.

"Ow!!" Hitomi cried out in pain. "You aren't _wearing_ any, you crazy bitch!"

"_Really_?" Allen leaned forward, greatly interested.

"_Really_?" Dryden also leaned forward, greatly interested. "Wait, no! I mean, everyone _cool_ it!" He rose from his seat and stared Hitomi straight in the eye. "Have you come here to destroy Gaea?"

"I'm seriously starting to consider it!" Hitomi replied, rubbing her red cheeks. The door opened and Kio came in, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Hey, you're all out of body-wash," he told Dryden. "Thought you'd like to know."

"SON of a-"

-With Folken-

Folken, along with Sora, sat on their thrones in the…_throne_ room, as a B.D.C. soldier kneeled before them.

"Sir!" He reported. "We have pre-ordered your tickets for 'The Golden Compass'! You're the first on the entire list!"

"_Eeeexcellent_…" Folken hissed in pleasure. "That movie's gonna rock. Miss Coulter is one sexy mama."

"A-_hem_."

"Oh, and so are you, Sora!" Folken said hastily, turning to her. "In a weird kind of way!"

"That's NOT what I meant," Sora sighed. "We must be focused, my lord."

"Alright," Folken agreed. "By all means, _proceed_."

"You've gotten yourself a new armor," Sora said sadly. "You've already got thousands of troops, yet you still want even more power."

"Hey. Come _on_," Folken argued. "It's…it's like cars. I need a whole line of 'em to show how awesome I am. Plus, this one's got a leather interior _and_ side air-bags, even though I had to give it to that brat Dilly. Now, try persuading the Wing Goddess to come on over here, alright? Use your…feminine charms or something."

"Lord Folken," Sora asked after a pause, "are you insinuating that the Wing Goddess is a lesbian?"

"Well, not HER…"

_Smack_!

"This is because I said no about going to the movie with you, isn't it?!"

-Down in the Mine Place-

Down in the huge grotto/mine-place where the other armor had been excavated, things were happening. Let's get more specific. Tubes filled with strange liquid bubbled, steam spouted out of pipes in clouds, and some weird-ass lookin' sorcerers were busy giving the newly discovered armor acupuncture and a pedicure.

"I've never felt gayer in my life," the armor groaned.

"Get over it!" The multi-eyed (is that a word?) sorcerers snapped back. "It's called being 'metrosexual', and you'll be totally _hot_ when we're done."

"I'd better be…" The armor grunted, settling down to let them work. Inside the armor, Dilandau lay in the pilot seat in naught but a pair of underwear. All fangirls may shriek now. He was hooked up to many tubes and wires, and judging by his twitches and groans, it wasn't very pleasant.

"I shoulda gone to…Dr. 90210!" Dilly moaned. "At least I would have been on TV!" Jajuka, his faithful canine companion, watched from above, a look of disgust on his doggy face.

"This is some pretty sick _bleep_," he commented, eyeing Dilandau and the armor. "Lord Folken, how _could_ you?" He pawsed (ah-HA) for a moment. "Well, actually, I _can_ see how he could, with Dilly being a right little bastard and all, but _still_!"

The remaining Dragonslayers, Gatti, Chesta, and Ryuon, also watched their lord from above.

"_Man_, I'm glad we bribed that director to let us live- oh!" Ryuon was saying before he noticed the camera and quickly shut his mouth. "Er, I mean…if something _happens_ to Lord Dilandau…I get his X-box."

"What?! That's not _fair_!" Gatti protested. "You're not even an original Dragonslayer! They just made you up for the movie! _We're_ veterans from the series! _We_ should get it!"

"I'll consult my psychic powers!" Chesta suggested, once again pulling out his magic eight-ball. "Oh Magic Eight-Ball, who should get the X-box? Me, right?" He shook it and looked for the answer. _Try again later_. "You piece of crap!"

As they argued over the gaming console, Dilandau writhed in his seat, groaning painfully.

"X…_Booooooooooooooox_!" He screamed as the lights went out.

-With Van-

It was in the late evening, the sun was setting, and Van was carving something in his room. Merle crouched near him, watching him sweat and swear under his breath while he struggled with the tricky piece of wood.

"Lord Van?" She asked suddenly.

"_Gaaah_!" Van jumped, slicing his thumb open. "This brings back bad memories of the second episode…I mean, shut up, Merle! Don't distract me! _Ouchies_!" He stuck his bleeding digit into his mouth and whimpered.

"Lord Van, you've changed!" Merle went on. "I think you're not so much of an inconsiderate a-hole anymore!"

"You sayin' I'm a _wuss_?" Van asked dangerously, glaring at her.

"No, no," Merle shook her head. "It's a _good_ thing."

"Oh, okay." Van shrugged and looked down at his carving. "Here." He tossed it (more like whipped it) to Merle, hitting her in the eye with accidental (purposeful?) precision.

"_Mraaaawr_! Huh? Oh!" Merle gasped in delight as she saw out of her one _good_ eye the carving in her paw. "Thank you, Lord Van! It's a…piece of dookie?"

"It's a _mouse_!" Van growled. "I'm no artist, alright? Cut me some slack."

"Oh." Merle paused. "I can't eat this _bleep_."

"Merle," Van sighed, standing up, "once the battle is over, I'm gonna go back to Adom."

"Really?" Merle brightened visibly. "You mean it? Then we'll be able to-"

"I said '_I'_, not '_we'_, bitch." Van corrected.

-With Hitomi-

Hitomi, being the heroine of this story, got a bedroom all for herself. _Whoo_! After pocketing all the valuables she could find in the small room, Hitomi sat on the bed and began brooding over all that had transpired. She touched her face, cheeks still stinging from Millerna's slaps.

"Those jerks…" she muttered. Suddenly there was a crash, and Hitomi whirled around to find that a pitcher of water that'd been on a table moments earlier had fallen over and shattered. "I'm NOT paying for that," she said firmly, getting up and walking closer. As she knelt down among the broken shards and spilled water, the world entered vision-mode, with a blue sky appearing underneath Hitomi's feet and making her feel sick. "Oh _God_ I hate heights!" She groaned, holding her stomach.

"Hello, Wing Goddess." Hitomi gasped and looked up to see Sora standing before her. Sora's pretty song played in the background while she began trying to persuade Hitomi over to the dark side. "Wing Goddess, please choose the path of Gaea's destruction."

"Well…" Hitomi thought for a moment. "Alright."

"Please, it's so that- what?" Sora blinked in surprise.

"I'll do it," Hitomi repeated. "Just tell me how."

"Wha…but, why?" Sora asked.

"Because everyone here's either an a-hole or a perv! I _hate_ this stupid world!" Hitomi explained passionately. "I want to go home and that damn music is getting on my _nerves_!" She whipped out her phone and snapped it open. "_What_?!" She listened for a moment while Sora waited patiently. "Oh, really? Alright then. Bye." Hitomi closed her phone and sighed. "That was the director. Looks like I can't say 'yes' to you guys, it violates my contract. So, sorry, but no."

"But…but you just…!" Sora sputtered, then went quiet. She stared at Hitomi, then turned to the side and gave her a seductive look. "Want to go to the movies with me?"

"…Huh?"

"Oh, forget it." Sora sighed and the vision dissolved. "Folken's gonna get it. Right in the _nuts_."

"Whoa!" Hitomi blinked, suddenly finding herself back in her room. "How long was I out?" Night had fallen, and…her _wallet_ was missing? "SON of a- _that's it_. That is IT! I'm joining the dark side! Where the hell is the sign-up sheet?!" She got up and stormed out of her room.

-Back with Van, _Again_-

"VAN!" Millerna hollered, banging his door open and barging in.

"_Eeeeek_!" Van shrieked like an eight year-old girl-scout and tried to cover himself, as he had been in the middle of undressing himself and was clad only in boxers.

"Oh, come on!" Millerna rolled her eyes at him and his modesty. "You walk around half-naked most of the time, anyway! Anyway, great news! Hitomi's gone!"

"What?!" Van cried in horror. "She's _gone_?! Are you sure?!"

"No," Millerna admitted, "but let's _party_!!"

"_Gaaah_!" Van shivered as a sensation traveled up his spine once again. "Folken senses, _tingling_! That loser's nearby! I'm _outtie_!" He snatched up his sword and dashed out of the room.

"Shouldn't you put some _pants_ on first?!" Millerna called out after him. "Oh, never mind. He'll probably notice in a couple minutes, anyway."

-End Part 4-

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, movie or series.

Author's Note: Alright, only one more part to go! Once again, it'll probably be a little longer than the other chapters, as I need to wrap it all up with a bang or whatever. Hope you've enjoyed it so far! Review, please!


	5. Part 5: Final Battle of the Idiots

Author's Note: Finally, the last part! Once I've finished this, I'll have messed with every single Escaflowne Episode, _and_ the movie, having completed my ultimate goal! Yesss! I win…_nothing_! Oh, well. It was fun either way. And thanks to everyone for reviewing (and reading it in the first place), I hope they got lots of laughs from this series.

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, movie or series.

Escaflowne the Movie: A Gal in Gaea

Part 5

Hitomi stormed down the empty streets of Turoshina, searching for Folken. Her rage was like the intensity of a hundred thousand suns, and she was very, very ready to join the evil side. Not only had those jerks made fun of her, bad-mouthed her, and, worst of all, HIT on her, they'd also stolen her wallet and racked up huge bills and massive debt with her credit card. Enough was enough, and Hitomi wanted revenge. That was where Folken came in.

"_Bleepin' bleep…bleepin'…_" Hitomi muttered swears under her breath as she stomped around the city in the middle of the night. She had nothing to fear from robbers or rapists – heck, she _hoped_ some jackass would show up and just TRY and mess with her. God help the soul who did. All the while, Sora was singing the background music, and it was grating on Hitomi's last nerve. "Don't you know any _other_ songs, lady?" She barked, peeking into a deserted house. Nope, not there, either.

"Um…well…" Sora, up on the diamond-fortress place, thought for a moment, then began to sing: "_How come every time you come around, my London, London bridge wanna go down_?"

"Man, that's even _worse_…" Hitomi groaned and covered her ears, but continued her search. Thankfully the staff had been kind enough to put up several helpful pointing arrows to lead the way to Folken. Hitomi followed them as they lead her to a large balcony. Folken was there. And he had a Nintendo DS.

"Dammit, Link!" He hissed, tapping rapidly at the touch screen with his stylus. "Attack the damn Chuchu! It's right in front of you! Okay, now hit the- hit the G.D. switch, you idiot! _Gawd_!" His gaze snapped up as Hitomi loudly cleared her throat to get his attention. "…Oh. You're…the Wing Goddess, right? 'Bout time. You know how long I've been here? Lemme give you a hint: I coulda _given birth_ in the time you took to haul your ass over here."

"Hmm," Hitomi shrugged, not caring. "Where did you get that?"

"Nowhere," Folken said quickly, snapping the DS closed and hiding it behind his back. "Certainly not from an aged and decrepit old scientist named Dornkirk who isn't even _in_ this movie, which is a _complete_ _travesty_!"

"O...kay…" Hitomi didn't really have anything to say in return. "Well, judging by your ridiculous mullet and full-body leather suit, you must be Folken, right?"

"Ding, ding, ding!" Folken sang. "It's the Daily Double! You win a prize- nowgimmetheEscaflowne."

"Hold on!" Hitomi interrupted. "First off, if anyone's going to use the Escaflowne to destroy this world, it's going to be ME."

"Sorry," Folken shook his head. "I can't promise that, toots."

"_What_?!" Hitomi was furious. "Then no deal! I'm outta here!" She spun on her heel and started to leave. Folken sprang forward and grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Now hold on just one-" he began.

"_RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE_!" Hitomi shrieked, her voice echoing off the rooftops, making birds burst into sudden flight. Folken snatched his hand away and stepped back, terrified.

"N-gah! No! She lies! She _lieees_!" He insisted. "There was no molestation or rapeage going on right now, I swear!"

In a nearby street, Van was approaching. Turning the corner, he leapt into view and cried: "_Noooo_! Don't do it! Don't join the dark side!" After a moment of silence, he opened his eyes to see…

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, the former reaching a hand toward the latter.

"Hey, he's right!" Luke said, yanking his hand away from his evil father. "I'm not joining you! I'm outta here!"

"Dammit! You _ruined_ it!" Darth Vader hissed at Van through his mask.

"Uh…bye!" Van whirled around and dashed off, finally locating the real Hitomi and Folken. "FOLKEN!" He howled, leaping toward his brother.

"Oh, Van!" Hitomi gasped in delight. "You came to rescue- my eyes! _My eyes_!" She clapped her hands over her face and whirled away, scarred forever.

"Have you no shame, little brother?" Folken asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Huh? What're you talking about?" Van asked. Then he looked down. "Oh. Forgot that I only had boxers on. My bad."

"Gaah! I can't stand it anymore!" Hitomi wailed. "I just want to go HOME!" She kicked out at the last word and coincidentally hit Folken in the junk. He doubled over in pain.

"Thank goodness this is just an apparition," he gurgled, fading from view, "or I would be _sterile_ right now!"

"Hey, good job, Hitomi!" Van congratulated, running up to Hitomi's side. She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Wow, I didn't even _mean_ for that to hap- okay, _seriously_, Van. Put some damn pants on or you'll be next."

"Oh, come on!" Van scoffed. "It's not like it's the end of the world or something!"

_KA-BOOOOM_!

A huge explosion rocked the city, making Van and Hitomi jump in fright.

"Or maybe it is!" Van admitted. "'Scuze me!" He turned and dashed off, looking for some pants to filch.

"What was that?" Hitomi muttered, looking to see what had caused the explosion. Her eyes widened as a huge, red dragon armor quite like the Escaflowne (only more bad-ass and scary-looking) rose up from the ground, conjuring flames and even more explosions in its wake. And guess who's inside it! If you guessed Lyndsay Lohan, just stop reading now and go see your doctor. Seriously.

"I feel great!" Dilandau giggled, piloting the sinister armor. "My whole body's on fire!" He glanced down at his feet and saw flames licking up his legs. "Oh, eff! I didn't mean _literally_!"

From far away in his crappy apartment, Dryden was watching the whole spectacle from an open window. The fire, the destruction, the blood-red melef rising from the ground. Everything.

"Whoo, lord! How high am I?" Dryden wondered, shaking his head in an attempt to clear it. "I have GOT to stop smoking pot. Now I've got the muchies…" He shambled off to his kitchen to find a quick snack.

"What'd I miss?" Van asked, running up to Hitomi's side. He'd succeeded in finding a pair of pants.

"Uh, Van?" Hitomi asked, eyeing him. "You do know those are _girl's_ pants, right?"

"Of course I do!" Van replied. "Look how cute they make my butt look!"

_Smack_!

"Whoa! Whose cute butt is _that_?" Dilandau gaped, catching sight of Van's sweet ass in the jeans. "I wonder if she'll go out with- oh! OHH! That's VAN'S ass! Oh dear LORD! That's it, he's DEAD!" Immediately ominous wings sprouted from the back of the red armor, spreading wide. Dilandau took to the air, majestically rising from the ground, and-

_Crash_!

Smashed into a building.

Everyone snickered.

"Shut UP!" Dilandau hollered, blushing furiously. "This is my first time flying this thing, alright? _Gawd_!" The armor stood up and tried again. It rose into the air, wings beating, and…smashed into another building. "_Bleep_-dammit, who put this building here?!" Dilandau snarled.

"Alright," Hitomi said as she watched Dilandau flail around and hit into more houses. "The way I see it, we have a half an hour before he reaches us. We have till then to come up with a plan."

"Here's one!" Van suggested. "You stay, I run!" He attempted to do just that, but Hitomi grabbed hold of his greasy hair and yanked him back.

"He's _your_ opponent!" She pointed out.  
"Says who?!" Van shot back. "Why don't _you_ go fight him?"

"_I_ will!" Allen declared haughtily. The ladies man stood with his crew and tank-thing on a nearby rooftop, the guns training their sights on Dilandau. "FIRE!" Allen cried, and the cannons went on, hitting Dilandau a harsh blow and knocking the armor off its feet. "Hey, wow! It actually _worked_!"

"_What_?!" Dilandau roared in fury, his head spinning. "That lemon-head shot ME down?! That DOES it!" Forming a spear from the liquid metal spewing from his hand, he hurled it at Allen's tank, making it explode into a fiery inferno and incinerating the yaks that'd been the main source of power for the vehicle. Mmm, fresh buffalo wings!

"See, you guys?" Jessica Simpson simpered. "They ARE made from buffalos!" Allen's crew stared at her for a moment, then leapt on her and beat her to death. That's how annoying she's become.

Back with Hitomi and Van, the heroine's pink pendant began to glow brightly, shining in the darkness.

"Eeek! What's it doing?!" Hitomi gasped, starting to panic.

"Turn it off! Turn it off!" Van shrieked. "Turn it off before the T-rex comes and gets us!"

"…What?"

"You…you know," Van explained. "Jurassic Park? The kids are in the car with the flashlight and the dinosaur-"

"Just shuddap already, will ya?!" The Escaflowne barked, appearing in a beam o' light before the startled couple. Hitomi's flashing pendant had summoned it from across the cosmos or wherever the hell it stayed until now.

"Oh, not YOU again!" Van complained, glaring at the stubborn dragon armor.

"Stop fighting!" Hitomi snapped at them. "You two have to work together!"

"No!" The Escaflowne snorted.

"Never!" Van growled.

_KA-BOOOOM_!

"Buddy!" Both of them cried, hugging each other.

"Idiots…" Hitomi sighed.

"Alright, how do I get inside?" Van asked, looking all over the Escaflowne's torso. "There's no keyhole or anything."

"You hafta say the magic word," the Escaflowne explained.

"Magic word?" Van repeated dubiously.

"Yes," the Escaflowne assured.

"…What is it?" Van dared to ask.

"…Penis."

"WHAT?"

"The magic word is 'penis'," the Escaflowne went on. "And you can't just say it, either. You have to yell it as loud as you can."

"I'll fight him myself!" Van growled, turning to leave.

"Do it!" Hitomi barked. Van stood pouting for several seconds, then sighed.

"…P…penis," he said under his breath.

"I can't hear you!" The Escaflowne trilled.

"…Penis," Van said.

"Louder!"

"PENIS!" Van hollered at the top of his voice.

"Good job!" The Escaflowne said. "You may step inside the winner's circle!" The armor's torso cracked open with sickening crunches and squelches.

"Eww, gross!" Van gagged. "Stop it!"

"Hey, it's for dramatic effect," the Escaflowne replied, sounding offended. "Just get the hell in so we can kick this guy's ass already." Van shrugged and complied, climbing into the empty cavity of the Escaflowne's chest (where Hitomi had appeared in when she was transported to Gaea, remember?). The fleshy wall closed, and Van was inside.

"Escaflowne!" He cried. "You may take my blood now!" Spikes appeared on the sides of his neck and dug in deep, drinking his blood for fuel. "Gaah! I didn't mean _all_ of it!" Van whimpered in pain. "Oh, and I forgot to mention that I have AIDs."

"Eeeeugh!" The Escaflowne gagged noisily and spat the blood back out. "Okay, forget it! We'll just go eco-friendly and use French-fry oil!"

Lights in the Escaflowne switched on as it powered up, and a 'fasten seatbelt' light came on, too. Van was quickly buckled in by bone-like sheathes around his legs, arms, and torso.

"Safety first!" Van declared, winking at the camera. "And no drinking and driving. You might spill your drink!"

"Get to WORK!" Hitomi hollered. Ever so slowly, the Escaflowne started up. Its arms quivered, its fingers twitched, it slowly climbed to its feet and began…doing the Macarena?

"Whoo! Look what _I'm_ doing!" Van sang.

"Stop it, brat!" The Escaflowne howled. "That's _my_ body!"

"And it's _my_ groovy dancing skillz!" Van shot back. "Get used to it, _suckah_!"

"Van, GO!" Hitomi ordered, kicking the Escaflowne's ankle and making the dragon armor fall backwards off the entire balcony with a tremendous crash. "…Oops."

"Eeek! Watch out, you almost hit us!" Millerna called from down below, shaking her fist up at Hitomi. The Escaflowne had landed mere inches from her and the crew of the Abaharaki, who'd just appeared out of, like, nowhere.

"Darn it!" Hitomi snapped her fingers in disappointment.

"So, that's the dragon armor everyone won't shut up about?" Dilandau smirked. "Please! Can yours do _this_?!" He punched a button and immediately hydraulics kicked in, making the red dragon armor bounce up and down to the banging rap music blaring from the speakers. "Yeah, we're straight up _gangster_! Try beatin' that, _bitch_!" He pulled another liquid-metal spear from his hand and shot toward Van, who'd finally gotten back to his feet.

"Oh, just wait and see what _I_ have in store for you!" Van shot back cockily. The Escaflowne's arm reached back over its head, gripped something, and yanked out…its spinal column?

"_Eaaaargh_! Wrong one, retard!" The Esca howled in pain.

"Whoops, sorry," Van apologized, replacing the spinal cord and taking hold of the proper extrusion – the Escaflowne's sword! He held it before him, the blade extending to an impressive length. Van began making sound effects as he swooshed it back and forth, which sounded a heck of a lot like light sabers. "_Zooom_! _Shwooom_! Down, you will go, _hmmm_!" Van said in his Yoda voice.

"Will you shut UP?!" Dilandau exploded, leaping at his opponent. The two met, their weapons flashing, as they began exchanging blow after crushing blow.

"Whoops, I scratched your paint job!" Van cried suddenly.

"What?! Where?!" Dilandau stopped and began to inspect the armor. Instantly Van body-slammed him, the white and red armor smashing to the ground and destroying the surrounding buildings.

"That's the oldest trick in the book, ya dumbass!" Van chortled.

"Oh, no, no, this is fine," the mayor of Turoshina commented as he watched the fight and resulting destruction. "Please, feel free to completely decimate the entire town while you brawl. I _love_ massive debt and homelessness!"

"Sure thing, old man!" Van called back, flashing the mayor a thumb's up and kicking over another building.

"I was being _sarcastic_!!"

Over in a safer zone of the city, Hitomi and the Abaharaki crew were watching Van and Dilandau duke it out.

"Well, nice goin', whore," Millerna told Hitomi. "It's the end of the world, and it's all your fault. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go loot what's left of Macey's. Later!" She gave Hitomi's butt a parting smack and ran off.

"Van, hurry up and win!" Hitomi growled, rubbing her smarting behind.

Van and Dilandau were back on their feet, this time swinging their swords and exchanging blows in slow-mo. It was unknown whether they were doing it for show or were really moving slower than normal.

"See?" The ghost of the B.D.C. commander from the first part said smugly. "I _told_ you, slow-mo is the way to _go_!"

"SHUT UP!" Van and Dilandau roared at him.

"Damn…I'm losing!" Dilandau thought to himself, then said aloud, "Well, I guess it's time for me to try out my awesome grill and make me some…FRIED LOSER!" He hit a switch and a huge jet of flame burst from his armor, engulfing Van and the Escaflowne.

"My eyebrows!" Van screamed in agony, boiling inside the Esca. "Now I'll have to get a magic marker and _draw_ some on and because of that I'll look angry all the time! You bastard! But then again, I _did_ want to lose a few pounds, and the sauna is _so_ expensive these days-"

"Van, shut up for one second and get on task!" A gruff voice interrupted.

"Huh?" Van blinked. "Who's there?"

"It's me, your dead dad," the voice explained. "It's time for a traumatic flashback of your crappy childhood which will conjure up the power deep inside yourself to make you go berserk and beat this freak!"

"Oh. Alright." Van agreed readily. Immediately he was in the past, seeing the destruction of his kingdom once again. His beautiful mother lay dead on the ground, along with Van's pet chinchilla and some smashed Lego houses. What a bastard Folken was! Er…_is_. The vision moved on and showed Van's daddy's severed head. Gross.

"Fight, Van!" The disembodied head urged. "You must fight him, Van, fight!"

"Wait…" Van scowled and peered closer at his father's head. "How can you speak if you don't even have a _diaphragm_? It's technically impossible. And why do you look like Balgus?"

"Aw, come on!" His dad scoffed. "Don't you know the saying, 'a butterfly does not need wings to fly'?"

"Oh, I see!" Van brightened, then frowned again. "…Wait a minute, yes it does!"

"You know what I mean!" The head exploded, losing its patience. "Now wake up and go kick that crazy kid's ASS!"

Snap! Van was back in reality! He and the Escaflowne were still engulfed in the flames spewing from Dilandau's armor. Time to do something about _that_!

"_Yaaaah_!" Van reached behind him and yanked out a spare fire extinguisher. Pointing it at his foe, he pressed the trigger, and white foam came spraying out from the nozzle, dousing the fire. "_Oooh_, how ya like that?" Van taunted. "I took Fire-Fighting 101 during the _one month_ I attended college!"

"Hmm…" Dilandau mulled this over. "I'm pretty screwed, aren't I?"

"Yes," his red armor replied. "Yes you are."

Van began laying the smack-down on Dilly, hitting him over and over again with his sword, driving him back mercilessly. There was no escape! Things began getting out of hand when the Escaflowne pulled out a lead pipe and went for the red armor's kneecaps.

"This is for the series!" Van cried, shattering his opponent's leg-benders. Ouchies! Dilandau's armor fell to the ground, completely powerless.

"Gah! No, please! Have mercy!" Dilandau begged. "I was a frickin' GIRL at the end of the series! A GIRL!"

"Oh yeah?" Van was not impressed. "Well, I was a _pansy_! At least you were _cool_ the times you were a guy!" With that, he raised his sword and plunged it into the red armor's torso. Lifting its leg, the Escaflowne stomped on the armor, attempting to crush it with its weight.

"_Gaaaah_! So…f-f-_faaat_!" The red armor groaned under the immense weight.

"Hey, shut up!" The Escaflowne snapped, sounding hurt. "Damn you, Jenny Craig! I haven't lost _squat_!" It pushed down harder on the other armor.

_CRUNCH_!

"_Yessss_…" Darth Vader hissed in satisfaction, watching the battle with interest. "Let your anger _fuel_ your hatred! Become _one_ with your anger! _Embrace_ the hatred and STRIKE HIM DOWN!!"

"Dude, _shut up_!" Van barked, kicking the Sith Lord off the map and back into outer space where he belonged. That was the last straw. Van had committed too much violence and senseless slaughter. He'd gone too far. He'd gone over…_to the dark side_.

The Escaflowne's heart crystal went completely still, and slowly the pristine white dragon armor became a kick-ass _black_ dragon armor, meaning it was…evil or something? I guess so. _Shrugs_.

While this was happening, Dilandau was busy escaping the ruins of his red dragon armor through the escape hatch conveniently located in the armor's ASS. He leapt free of the contraption, ripping off tubes and wires as he went, then ran a few feet away and turned to look back, clad in naught but a pair of undies. _Whistle_!

"Thank goodness, I'm safe!" He panted, wiping his brow. A figure in the shadows behind him shifted ever so slightly.

"_Dillyyy_…" An eerie voice crooned. Dilandau stiffened and slowly looked over his shoulder.

"Oh, _bleep_." He whispered. Several hundred fangirls were crouched in the shadows, eyes locked on him and his near nakedness. Dilandau had no choice. He turned and ran like hell.

"Get him!" The rabid fangirls shrieked, and took off after him like a pack of wolves after a baby deer. Poor guy. He doesn't have a chance.

Van, meanwhile, wasn't doing very well, either. The corrupted Escaflowne had messed with him, too, and together they stomped around the city, destroying more houses and buildings just for the fun of it. The _horror_!

"Hulk SMASH!" Van roared, knocking over a slide in the children's playground. "Me not a pansy! Me bad-_ass_!" Above the rampaging idiot, storm clouds began gathering. The black clouds swelled, and from them issued lightning bolts, all shooting down and hitting…

"Ouchies!"

…Van.

"Ow, stop it!" Van whimpered as another lightning bolt hit his head. "Dammit, Zeus! You're supposed to aim for the B.D.C. blimps, not me! The _blimps_!"

"Oh, sorry," the Greek God apologized, then adjusted his aim. "Here we go!" Now the lightning bolts began raining down on the sinister blimps still dotting the sky above the ruined city, causing them to explode into flames and plummet to the ground below.

"Of _course_!" The officer from before said as his blimp exploded and began to fall. "_Lightning_! _That's_ what we should have used to invade the city! It's pure genius!"

-On the B.D.C. Floating Fortress-

Up in the diamond-shaped floating fortress, Folken chuckled evilly to himself.

"So, the Escaflowne has descended!" He muttered, walking from the window over to where Sora stood patiently waiting. "Good, good! Now the world shall be destroyed, and then I will-"

_Kra-Kowwwww_!

"_Eeeeek_!" Folken squealed like a girl scout and ran the rest of the way to Sora, jumping into her arms where he huddled against her, whimpering.

"…What's up with you?" She couldn't help but ask.

"I'm scared of lighting, okay?" Folken said heatedly. "Once, as a prank, Van wrapped me up in tin-foil and left me outside in a thunderstorm! I've never been the same since!"

_Booooooom_!

"Yeeeek! Hold me!" Folken squeezed Sora tighter.

"Knock it off!" Sora snapped, dropping her lord to the floor with a thud. "Listen up! The Wing Goddess might try and stop Van from rampaging!"

"Oh, really?" Folken asked dangerously, getting to his feet and cracking his knuckles. "Well, then. I'd better go down there and deal with-"

_Ka-Booooom_!

"Oh my GOD it grazed my hair!" Folken shrieked, dancing away from the window and clutching his head. "Look, it's standing on end and smoking!"

"It _always_ does that, my Lord," Sora sighed.

"…It does?" Folken frowned. "Why don't you people _tell_ me these things?!"

"Lord Folken…" Sora sighed, "you idiot…"

-Back to the City!-

The surviving townspeople of Turoshina watched in dismay as Van destroyed the last of their beloved town. The Mole-man was watching as well, perched atop the ruins of what had once been a house.

"Whoo, Lord! How high am I?" He muttered, shaking his head at the huge, black dragon armor having a conniption fit. "I have GOT to stop smoking pot with Dryden. Anyone got any snacks?"

"Fee…Fi…Fo…_Fum_!" The Escaflowne growled as it stomped around town. "I smell…dookie. Did I step in some?" (Hey, it rhymes, too!) The Dragon Armor lifted a leg and peeked at the bottom of its foot inquisitively. "Euugh! I _did_! Gross!" It began trying to scrape the nasty refuse off its feet and onto the ground.

"I have to go help that idiot!" Hitomi finally decided, watching the Escaflowne be stupid even in its corruption.

"No, you can't, Hitomi! You'll die!" Merle began to argue, then paused. "Don't forget your toothbrush!" She gave Hitomi a helping shove forward. Hitomi aimed a kick at the cat-girl, then ran off.

"Hey, guys! I'm back from Macey's!" Millerna sang, running up with bags of clothing in her arms. "Check out these cute bra's and panties I found there!" Kio stared at her for a few seconds, then punched her out.

"She was being uncontrollable," he explained to the rest of the crew. "I HAD to."

"Aye!" The others cheered in agreement.

Hitomi picked her way through the ruins of the city, coming closer and closer to the berserk Escaflowne.

"Vaaan!" She called. "Hey, Van! Talk to me! I know you're in there! Now quit being stupid and come out! I promise I won't hurt you…_much_!" She halted and raised her arms imploringly to the approaching giant. "Listen, I care about you, Van!" She begged. "I…I think I might even lo- _gwaaaagh_!"

_Stomp_!

Hitomi barely managed to hurl herself out of the way as the Escaflowne's foot came crashing down on the place she'd just been a moment ago.

"That _effer_!" She hissed, really ticked off. "He almost _stepped_ on me!" She snatched up a good-sized rock from the ground and chucked it at the Escaflowne. It hit the armor's head with a resounding BONK! and made the armor grind to a halt, then slowly look back at her. "…Oh, _bleep_…"

The Escaflowne turned with ominous slowness, then began reaching for Hitomi with one huge ebony hand.

"Hmm…boobies…" Van muttered from inside, his face obscured by the darkness.

"Dammit, Van!" Hitomi hollered. "Wake UP!" She drew back a hand and gave the Escaflowne a good smack across the face. Instantly the armor's heart crystal exploded with light. "Th…that wasn't me!" Hitomi protested as the light engulfed both her and the Escaflowne.

-Vision Time!-

Hitomi blinked. Where on earth was she? In some creepy-ass world, it seemed. Not only was there no color, but there wasn't any sound, either. Weird.

"Wha…where is this?" She wondered aloud. "Am I…dreaming? Is this real?"

_Gooosh_!

"Eeeewww! Gross!" Hitomi shrieked, clapping a hand over her ear.

"I _knew_ you'd need my help one day, Hitomi Kanzaki," Morgan Freeman said, lowering his wet finger. "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and-"

"GET LOST!" Hitomi roared, booting the elderly man out of the vision. "_Nasty_!" She wiped at her ear with her sleeve and went deeper into the vision. Soon she found herself standing on a cliff-side with a huge, green tree in the middle. As she circled the tree, she could hear sniveling, like someone was crying. "Van, is that you?" She called. "Come on, now, calm down and stop crying. It's not that bad. I'm sure you can- okay, quit crying you freakin' pansy!"

"I'm not a pansy!" Van's voice protested from thin air. "I'm a bad-ass! I kill people, and then pee on their graves! I scrape my knee and only cry for an hour! I'm cool! I'm tough! I am NOT a pansy!"

"Oh, Van…can't you see?" Hitomi said softly. "You're denying yourself. You _are_ a pansy. Just…accept it."

"But…but I don't _wanna_ be a pansy…" Van's voice argued weakly.

"That's fine!" Hitomi went on. "I don't want to be a sadistic psycho bitch, but I _am_, and I've learned to live with it! Van, just accept who and what you are. It's alright! Don't lie to yourself anymore, Van!"

"You…you're right…" Van's voice agreed. "I guess…deep down…I always _have_ been a pansy, huh? Oh, well…" Color flooded the vision, and Van appeared near the cliff's edge, overlooking the blue sea beyond. He stood, turned to look back at Hitomi, and smiled.

"Oh, Van!" Hitomi cried happily, running and throwing herself onto him. This, of course, caused Van to lose his balance and both of them to plummet over the cliff's edge.

"Oops! Guess you're a klutz on top of the bitch thing, huh, Hitomi?" Van joked.

"SHUT UP!"

-Vision Time's _Overrr_!-

Back in the real world, the Escaflowne's heart crystal began thumping once again, cleansing the evil darkness from the dragon armor. The black shroud pulled back, revealing the white paintjob beneath and…_flaming skulls_?

"What?" The Escaflowne asked haughtily. "I wanted to pimp myself out! You got a problem with that? I didn't _think_ so!" From thin air, the Transformers theme song began to play. The Escaflowne cocked its head, listening. "Is…is that music? Why is it play- _eearghh_! My body! What the _fuhhh_?!"

The Escaflowne's body began jerking and twitching, bending in ways it hadn't even imagined. Its shoulders cracked apart to form wings from its cape, its neck extended, and its bottom legs stretched back and converged to form a tail. Once it was done transforming, the Escaflowne had become…a…doggie?

"I'm a DRAGON!" The Escaflowne growled. "What are you guys, blind?! So much…_bleep_ing…pain!" A hatch on its back popped open with a puff of steam, and Hitomi and Van burst out, gasping for air.

"_Gaaaah_!" Hitomi gurgled. "What did you do, fart the whole time you were fighting Dilandau?! It's like a gas chamber in there!"

"Hey, it's not my fault!" Van protested. "I went to Taco Bell before we came! And it's not _that_ bad!"

"Not that bad?!" Hitomi repeated in disbelief. "My _eyes_ are burning!"

"Hey!" The Escaflowne interrupted. "Isn't anyone gonna compliment me on my kick-ass new form?"

"…No." Hitomi and Van answered together, looking down at the new Dragon-Esca.

"You both SUCK!" The Escaflowne snarled, flapping its newfound wings and beginning to lift from the ground. "Just wait, I'll do a barrel-roll and drop you jerks right out!" As the surly Dragon lifted into the air, Hitomi and Van's eyes met.

"Hey, baby," Van said in a sexy voice, "This is pretty romantic, huh?" He had to stop here as he leaned over the Escaflowne and puked noisily.

"…Not really," Hitomi admitted.

"Sorry, I forgot to mention I have horrible motion sickness," Van explained, wiping his mouth.

"Now that you mention it," Hitomi added, "I'm deathly afraid of heights, and I think I've crapped myself." Then they hugged.

-Back on the Floating Fortress, Again-

"Well, the Dragon's coming to get you, Lord Folken," Sora commented as she watched the Escaflowne begin to rise from a window overlooking the city.

"It's about time," Folken grumbled, having recovered his composure since the lightning had vanished. "Sora, you're free to go. You can leave here if you want, but first…could you…feather my mullet for me, one last time?" He stuck out his bottom lip and gave her a puppy-eyes look.

"Alright, fine," Sora agreed with a sigh.

"Yay!" Folken clapped his hands with glee and settled down to let her work.

"You DO know you're gonna die, right?" Sora said offhandedly, fluffing her Lord's mullet.

"Oh, please!" Folken chortled. "The fic author didn't kill me in the series, she won't kill me now. Make sure it's even, okay? I want to look cool for when Van shows up to kill me."

"Yes, sir."

-Aaaand Back Down to the City Again-

"Look, it's a dragon!" The people of Turoshina 'ooh'ed and 'aah'ed as they watched the Escaflowne and its passengers rise up into the air. The Dragon swooped majestically through the sky, showing off to the crowd, then headed for the floating fortress up above. Van and Hitomi sat in ready-made seats for them, Van handling the steering.

"Hey! That was a one-way street!" Hitomi stated. "And you're _speeding_!"

"Quit bein' a back-seat driver and make OUT with me, woman!" Van shot back.

"WHAT?!" Hitomi roared, then looked thoughtful. "Well, alright."

"_Eeeeugh_!" The Escaflowne gagged and began flying faster. The sooner this ride was over, the better. After several minutes of flying, they finally reached the fortress and entered through a deserted hangar door and into a dark hallway. Following the "Evil Bastard Brother _This_ Way!" signs, the Escaflowne flapped its wings and came to a graceful stop.

"Okay, we're here." The Esca informed. "…Guys? Hello?" They were still making out. "Alright, _enough_!" The Dragon bucked hard, throwing both Hitomi and Van onto to the ground.

"_Jealous_?" Van asked smugly from where he'd landed under Hitomi.

"NO!" The Escaflowne shot back, then muttered to itself, "Oh God I feel so alone…"

"Hmm? Folken is here!" Van cried, throwing Hitomi off and standing up.

"Wow, you can sense it?!" Hitomi asked, impressed.

"…No. He's right over there." Van pointed at his brother, who'd just appeared from the shadowy…shadows at the other end of the hall.

"Dammit, Van!" Folken hissed. "You ruined my dramatic entrance through the darkened corridor! I _hate_ you!"

"Brother…" Van took a step closer and opened his arms. "Gimme a hug!"

"…What?" Folken blinked.

"I've been watching Dr. Phil lately," Van explained, "and I've figured out our problem! It's our lack of communication. Let's just talk about our _feelings_, okay?"

"No way!" Folken barked, lashing out with his psychic powers and smacking Van to the ground.

"Eeek! Van!" Hitomi cried.

"You…have to use your _words_, brother…" Van urged, slowly getting back on his feet. "Not your fists!"

"I'm _not_ using my fists," Folken stated matter-of-factly, and struck Van again with a psychic blow. Van went crashing back to the ground again.

"Hey, stop it!" Hitomi barked at Folken. "If anyone's gonna hurt Van, it'll be _me_!" She jumped between the two brothers, shielding Van from further attack.

"Aaaand…you getting in the way is supposed to _stop_ me?" Folken asked incredulously.

"Y…yes?" Hitomi said sweetly.

"Too bad." Folken struck again, hitting Hitomi this time. She fell back onto Van, who caught her.

"You…you hit me!" Hitomi gasped in outrage. "Well, _you_ didn't, your psychic powers did, but still, you HIT me! You jerk! I'm the heroine! You're supposed to listen to what I have to say, be touched, then change your whole way of thinking! That's how it's supposed to be!"

"Well, I ain't that kind of baddie," Folken replied. "Tough luck, sugar."

"Then time for Plan B!" A voice growled from the shadows. "We'll kill him off!" Jajuka leapt from his hiding place, pulling forth a dagger and burying it into Folken's chest. At the same time, Folken unleashed his own weapon and slashed Jajuka's throat open. What is this, Shakespeare?

"What, no Gong-man to save my ass this time?" Folken asked in disbelief, staring at the dagger handle protruding from his chest.

"You were cool in the series," Jajuka gurgled, "so you got to live. But in the movie, you're just an asshole. Nighty-night, Lord Folken!"

"Awww, _horseshit_!"

"That," Jajuka wheezed with his dieing breath, "was for getting me fixed, you soulless _bastard_!" With a final cough, he fell over, dead. _Sniffle_.

"Damn dog…" Folken grumbled, yanking out the dagger and throwing it away. "They get more n' more unpredictable the older they become. Plus the rabies might have had something to do with it." Blood was gushing from his wound to the floor, and he was quickly losing strength.

"Brother!" Van cried, stepping toward him. "Quick, while you're still alive! Let's hug and make up!"

"No! Stay away from me!" Folken hissed, falling to his knees. "I…oh, what the hell! Come here, you little scamp!" Van squealed in delight and ran over. The two brothers hugged, and it was a heart-warming sight. Folken died soon after, and the floating fortress immediately began to shake and crumble.

"Why does this always happen once the final boss is defeated?" Hitomi wondered aloud. "_So_ cliché!" Behind her, the Dragon-form Escaflowne began melting away into the air like the first time.

"Gah! No!" Van dropped Folken's dead body and sprinted toward the Escaflowne. "You can't leave, we need you to get outta here! You damn Dragon!"

"Sorry, kid," the Escaflowne grunted. "America's Next Top Model is on, and I _love_ watching those bitches fight. Later!" He drifted away into the air and disappeared.

"Hello," a soft voice interrupted. Hitomi and Van whirled around to find Sora standing in the hallway with them. "Please, use the Hero's Exit to escape," she said helpfully.

"B…but what about you?" Hitomi asked, worried about the strange woman.

"Who, me?" Sora smiled. "Well…I've got "The Golden Compass" to get to, and there's someone here I'd like to go with. Don't worry! Bye!" She waved at Hitomi and Van, then gently took Folken's cold hand and dragged his dead body off down the corridor to see the kick-ass movie.

-Outside the Floating Fortress-

Outside, the huge diamond-shaped floating fortress was disintegrating! The people of Turoshina cheered and celebrated at the sight.

"Horray! The town is saved!" They cried, watching as the fortress broke apart and fell…right onto what was left of the city. "…Or not…!"

Allen and his crew of merry men watched the festivities, Milly nursing a black eye (thanks to Kio) and Allen sobbing his head off and clutching Gaddess for support.

"No! Not _Macey's_!" He sobbed, squeezing Gaddess so hard his ribs creaked. "Oh, the _humanity_! Hold me, Gaddess!"

"_Euugh_…" Gaddess made a face, then blinked in surprise as pretty white feathers began drifting down from the sky.

"Yay! Hitomi's dead! She's dead!" Merle and Millerna sang as they danced in a circle, unaware of the falling feathers. "She's never gonna- o_hmygodasianbirdflu_!" Both girls shrieked and ran off in different directions. Allen finally stopped crying and looked up to see Van, flapping his majestic wings while carrying Hitomi in his arms.

"Van, you lucky asshole," Allen growled. "Just wait 'til you get back! I'll make you _pay_!"

"_Wheeee_!" Van chirped as he flew, holding Hitomi tight. "Time to go make sweet love!"

_Smack_!

-Outside the City-

"Ah, well, them's the breaks…" Dilandau sighed, reining in his horse and glancing back at the ruined city over his shoulder. Finally he had clothes on, and was sporting several fresh wounds from the rabid fangirls attack he'd narrowly escaped from. "Of course good triumphed over evil. What to do now?" He sighed and looked back at what was left of his crew. Gatti, Chesta, and Ryuon thought for a moment.

"Well, we can always become a boy band, sir," Gatti suggested.

"Good idea!" Chesta added. "I can play drums!"

"And I'm not too bad at Guitar Hero!" Ryuon agreed.

"Alright then, it's decided!" Dilandau grinned. "We'll become a boy band, but I get to be the lead vocals, alright? And we light everything on fire at the end of the show."

"Yes, sir!" His subordinates cheered.

"There he is!" A girly voice shrieked. "Get him!"

"Quick, let's go!" Dilandau booted his horse into a gallop and his men followed after, pursued by more fangirls.

-Later, at Adom Village-

Yay, we're back in peaceful Adom Village! Birds twittered in the trees, water babbled in the brooks, children played on the X-box 360- _what_? Oh, forget it. Merle was busy chasing after the little girls from before, hissing and snarling in rage.

"Which one of you shaved my eyebrows?!" She howled, lunging at them. "Which one?!" The girls squealed with laughter and easily dodged around her as the other inhabitants of the village watched and laughed along.

High above the village, Hitomi and Van (finally back in men's clothes, although he secretly kept a pair of the girl's pants because he liked how they made his butt look) were blazing a trail and going hiking up a path that wound around the mountain. From the edge, they could see Adom village, where the people looked like little ants. As Hitomi leaned over to look, Van pretended to push her over the edge, inciting her rage and making her kick him in the junk before storming away up the path.

Several hours later, the two had reached the top. The sun was setting, and a cool breeze blew through the air, setting the romantic atmosphere. Hitomi and Van stood at the edge of a canyon, enjoying the lovely view of the setting sun.

"Hey, Van?" Hitomi asked softly.

"Yes, Hitomi?" Van replied.

"…Could you take your hand off my ass?"

"Do I _have_ to?"

"Yes, Van."

"Oh, alright." Van sighed, but obeyed. Several moments passed before Hitomi spoke again.

"So, how long do you think I'll be stuck here?" She wondered.

"Until the movie ends, of course," Van answered knowingly.

"Oh. Well then." Hitomi smiled warmly at Van. "We will _always_ be together!"

"Oh…Hitomi…" Van murmured. "Do you…really mean that?"

"Nope! Psych, bitch!" Hitomi laughed. "Later!" Wings sprang from her back, and she disappeared in a puff of feathers.

"Aw, man!" Van growled in disappointment. "Fine, I'm a hero without you anyway! I don't need you!" He nodded and crossed his arms.

"Lord Vaaaaaan!" Merle came running up the path.

"_Gaaah_! Wait for me, Hitomi!" Van panicked and quickly took to the air with his own wings. "Wait for _meeeeeee_!"

THE END!!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, movie or series.

Author's Note: Dear GOD! Done…finally, done…it took me years to complete this series, but I finally did it! Not only did I make fun of every single episode of Escaflowne, but the movie as well! _Haaaa_ ha ha ha! Worship me! I am the Queen of…making…fun of stuff! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my series and it brightened your day with a few laughs. Review, if you like. Later! I am OUTTIE!


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